What is the point of my blog? The answer is, well I'm not quite sure anymore. It seems like I only blog when I am in crisis, or when I am feeling OK I only blog out of guilt that I haven't written. Or the fact that I don't want to be too depressing to anyone who actually reads this rubbish. I am not a talented writer so I am sure most of my posts are very uninteresting to most. The posts I write when I am miserable, anxiety ridden or even suicidal are the only posts that actually have any true meaning. I don't even feel like a real person when I'm not in crisis. I have become so familiar with pain and mental illness it almost seems to define me. Any other time I write I feel like a total fake. Don't get me wrong, I don't lie about anything on here, there is no need to. I just don't really know who I am when I'm not depressed. But to look back on only a deep black hole of my life and see nothing bright and shiny can actually cause me to have a panic attack, because as much as I feel I am defined by depression, mental illness, BPD- I don't want to be.
I have reasoned that I should still write as maybe one day I will be able to see some sort of pattern or improvement in myself but right now it's just nauseating. I have also reasoned that I should write for personal therapy, as I am still waiting to meet my new psychiatrist since I moved up to rural butt fuck nowhere (6 months down and one month to go) so it helps me get my feelings out in a way. Ir does seem unreasonable to me that I have had to wait this long. Before I moved here I was hospitalize din the psych ward, went to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, was registered into Dialectical Behaviour Therapy but quit, was having one to two visits with my psychiatrist a week and not working, still in a very tender state. It feels to me like everyone just wanted to get rid of me, pass me off, because there is no way someone of my mental health should have been left unattended for seven months. I have had several instances of extreme use of drugs and alcohol, self-harm and suicidal ideations. I have to tranquilize myself with medications to keep going. On top of that I am trying to hold up a job, a relationship, and my sanity.
So what is the point of this blog? Nothing. I guess it eats up some of my time and distracts me momentarily, is that considered a coping mechanism? However sometimes reading my blog can trigger me too. I try not to read it too much, I try to wait until down the road when maybe I can start recognizing some things from what I write, but sometimes it's just easier to wallow in self misery.
In fact the best thing about this blog is my reading list, I love reading everyone elses blogs, feeling like I can relate to someone, but I have trouble humanizing other people too. I know there are a few of you who do read this, and I thank you (namely Sairs- thanks for your comments and support, you are lovely!) because I guess that is partially why I keep going.
I am wondering if I should share this blog with my psychiatrist? I know some of you have done so, I wonder if it is beneficial for therapy or just something my psychiatrist will use against me in some way. (Maybe that's paranoia). Anyways, I am going to post a poll and if anyone reads this could you please give me some insight on this matter either by poll or comments, then I shall decide the fate of Borderline Ballistic.
3 comments:
I understand what you mean about blogging when you are well. I used to feel like this too and I can't remember what it was that kept me going to be honest. I like your blog by the way, so I think it would be good for you to keep it. You can always come and go as you feel like it and just post when you wish, there is no pressure from anyone for you to post X amount, if you know what I mean. Oh and about letting your psychiatrst read, think carefully about that, because you might find then that you censor what you say in case they read it and want to know more. I told a friend about my blog and the address is on the back of the zines I write and I sent her one and I made her promise not to read, but I don't know if she has in secret and at first this made me feel really uncomfortable but in the end I said fuck it, it's my blog. I do know I would never tell my psychiatrist my blog address, though that is up to you of course. Keep going, you are doing an awesome job :)
*hugs*
Sarah
Thanks Sarah,
It's all really good advice. I think you are right about the psychiatrist thing too, I would feel better knowing that I am not unintentionally censoring myself. And there really is no pressure, I put the pressure on myself so I just need to be conscious of that. I guess since I always quit everything I do, this is an endeavor for me to do something consistently and continually, but I guess that doesn't necessarily mean it has to be perfect either. Thanks for your support. Sometimes seeing things from someone elses vantage point can help to clear up distortions I have in my own mind. I know I have them but I sometimes have trouble recognizing them.
I try and blog daily, no matter what, and just let whatever words come out that want to come out. It's my one spot where I don't have to censor myself or worry that I am going to hurt someones feelings.
I just let myself be, good, bad, ugly, happy, sad, unsure, and completely totally lost within myself...
Just let the words flow, you may not think you have anything to write about.. but just let them flow. Open up your blog, start a new post, and see what comes out.
Try not to over think it, try not to edit anything other than typos, and even then you don't have to. Maybe it'll help you? It's what I've been doing and it really helps me to get my words and feelings out even if I'm pretty much just throwing the words out into the mass void that is the internet.
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