What's the Point of My Blog?

What is the point of my blog? The answer is, well I'm not quite sure anymore. It seems like I only blog when I am in crisis, or when I am feeling OK I only blog out of guilt that I haven't written. Or the fact that I don't want to be too depressing to anyone who actually reads this rubbish. I am not a talented writer so I am sure most of my posts are very uninteresting to most. The posts I write when I am miserable, anxiety ridden or even suicidal are the only posts that actually have any true meaning. I don't even feel like a real person when I'm not in crisis. I have become so familiar with pain and mental illness it almost seems to define me. Any other time I write I feel like a total fake. Don't get me wrong, I don't lie about anything on here, there is no need to. I just don't really know who I am when I'm not depressed. But to look back on only a deep black hole of my life and see nothing bright and shiny can actually cause me to have a panic attack, because as much as I feel I am defined by depression, mental illness, BPD- I don't want to be.
I have reasoned that I should still write as maybe one day I will be able to see some sort of pattern or improvement in myself but right now it's just nauseating. I have also reasoned that I should write for personal therapy, as I am still waiting to meet my new psychiatrist since I moved up to rural butt fuck nowhere (6 months down and one month to go) so it helps me get my feelings out in a way. Ir does seem unreasonable to me that I have had to wait this long. Before I moved here I was  hospitalize din the psych ward, went to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, was registered into Dialectical Behaviour Therapy but quit, was having one to two visits with my psychiatrist a week and not working, still in a very tender state. It feels to me like everyone just wanted to get rid of me, pass me off, because there is no way someone of my mental health should have been left unattended for seven months. I have had several instances of extreme use of drugs and alcohol, self-harm and suicidal ideations. I have to tranquilize myself with medications to keep going. On top of that I am trying to hold up a job, a relationship, and my sanity.
So what is the point of this blog? Nothing. I guess it eats up some of my time and distracts me momentarily, is that considered a coping mechanism? However sometimes reading my blog can trigger me too. I try not to read it too much, I try to wait until down the road when maybe I can start recognizing some things from what I write, but sometimes it's just easier to wallow in self misery.
In fact the best thing about this blog is my reading list, I love reading everyone elses blogs, feeling like I can relate to someone, but I have trouble humanizing other people too. I know there are a few of you who do read this, and I thank you (namely Sairs- thanks for your comments and support, you are lovely!) because I guess that is partially why I keep going.
I am wondering if I should share this blog with my psychiatrist? I know some of you have done so, I wonder if it is beneficial for therapy or just something my psychiatrist will use against me in some way. (Maybe that's paranoia). Anyways, I am going to post a poll and if anyone reads this could you please give me some insight on this matter either by poll or comments, then I shall decide the fate of Borderline Ballistic.

Life From The Couch

It is my third day in a row of doing nothing. I haven't even gone outside, and I love it. My neighbours must think I'm a zombie because every time they pull in or out of their driveway they can see me sitting in the same spot. I've been taking my regular meds Celexa, Wellbutrin, Seroquel as well as Nasonex nose spray and Robaxacet plus whatever other (sugar, caffeine, weed) stimulants I can find to keep numb. I just have absolutely no desire to do anything. I just sit around and wait until I can write on my blog, even though it doesn't really matter. Whether I wrote five times a day or five times a year I don't think anyone would notice.
I'm supposed to go to the city this weekend because I have an appointment with an ear specialist regarding my deaf left ear which has had several surgeries and causes me nothing but problems and pain. I have been waiting over a year for this appointment and they have rescheduled me twice. But now that it's here I have been desperately hoping they would cancel again because I am very anxious about seeing my friends and A.'s family right now. When I don't feel "quite right" I am usually absolutely convinced it's written right across my forehead in permanent marker so it makes me anxious to be around them. Is it still considered social anxiety if you have panic attacks when you're around close friends and family?
So I am sitting here waiting for a call from my boss. They are moving me to a different hospital to train. I applied for one position which is more hours than now but not full time, it's about 65% of full time, then I can work casual at the other hospitals too. I don't know why I applied for this job when I could have just been thrown around for training everywhere, which would be significantly less work. Aside from the fact that the job I applied for is a 40 minute commute, as opposed to a 5 minute or 15 minute drive at the other jobs. And to be quite honest I don't want to work more. I am struggling as it is to just get out of bed and get showered by noon most days, and leaving the house is a totally different situation that I need to prepare myself for. It's so depressing. A. is always telling me relax, don't do anything. However, two weeks ago we had almost $8,000.00 in the bank because he finally sold his craptastic truck and now it's mostly gone. We have less than $1,000.00. So that money plus the $4,000.00 he gets from student loans could have gotten us through the whole rest of his school term but now we need to scrimp and save and I have to work more. I'm not trying to sound selfish. It's just totally irresponsible that all that savings is gone. I know I'm bad with money, because of my impulse shopping sprees and whatnot but I was being really good this time and I had no idea because I have been locked out of online banking for awhile too. We shouldn't have done Christmas, that's all. So now I'm waiting for my boss to call me and tell me when and where I go to work next, which will kind of determine how long we stay in the city for, I might not even be able to make it to that appointment if she wants me to start right away.  I mostly only wanna go just to see my best friend and her kids, as well as A.'s family and his nephew. I don't even want to see other friends or even let them know I'm there. It's just too much. I feel like I am isolating myself alot lately but it's ok because I am geographically isolated from many of the people in my life anyways and I have no friends or anything where I am. I was even considering doing more work on the computer, in the digital world. Because then you aren't ever really responsible to anyone. In a way this blog is my best friend because I can say anything, it doesn't judge, it doesn't hurt. It's not going to call me names or make me feel bad about myself. (Although I try not to look at many of my past entries). So for the time being, if occupying one couch cushion and a computer chair make me feel a bit more relaxed and keep me from doing less constructive things then that's a bonus. Maybe once I get back to therapy I will have more ambition to be present in the real world. I feel like Borderline Personality Disorder has become me, I have become it. Everything I do is based on my BPD and I can see it clear as day. My cognitive behavioral therapy taught me to recognize my emotions and distortions, but I still don't have the skills to do anything about it. It's like my brain has been programmed to constantly remind me what a freak I am. Maybe I should have stayed in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy group, but one of the therapists I swear to god in heaven is an evil witch. She scared the muffins out of me. Oh yeah, and I let the anger get the best of me when I layed a verbal lashing this ignorant woman in group who was totally mean and offensive to everyone there and I felt like it wasn't a place that was going to be conducive to learning for me, or I would have gotten kicked out anyway so I quit. Now I wait.

BPD Shattered my Hope

My reason for creating this blog is to create some sort of community amongst fellow sufferers of Borderline Personality Disorder and any other associated disorders, mental illnesses, or people who can relate. There is alot of misconception and stigma attatched to mental illness and I am trying to fight it in my own way, by raising awareness, helping others and sharing resources so we can all try and get better. Many people say there is no cure for BPD, I'm not sure. But I know we can unite together and do everything we can to support each other in fighting this illness. I look forward to hearing from you and will take suggestions. It's scary to me to be doing this, so publicly, so bare. However I am not willing to be ashamed of an illness anymore, it's time for us to speak and be heard. I am obviously not a therapist, I speak solely from experience. I have had several hospital stays, voluntary and involuntary due to my own actions. I have been an Inpatient in the psych ward, and an Outpatient completing a 16 week full time program in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, another Dialectical Behavior Therapy group (that I begged to get into and just as quickly dropped out), as well as talk therapy on a regular basis with my psychiatrist. I recently left my psychiatrist and am on a waiting list to get in to see a new psychiatrist in the rural community which I moved to. This process alone has taken me four months and I am not due for my first appointment with my psychiatrist until February. That is 7 months of waiting. I have been officially diagnosed over a year ago with Borderline Personality Disorder and severe Depression and Anxiety Disorders. I take a cocktail of anti-psychotics and anti-depressants which often fail to do the trick. I use drugs and binge drink to excess when I am in crisis, anything to make the pain stop. Going to all this therapy just made me realize that I do have a label, I have symptoms of a disease, with no known cure. I can actively see myself doing things that are self-harming, irrational, compulsive, angry, and manipulative- but I can't seem to be able to stop myself. I want to be a good person, and have a good life and not just pretend to be that person, idealizing everyone else's life which in turn makes me feel depressed and worthless. I feel like I am being ripped off because I have BPD, can anyone relate?