HELP!

I don't know what to do. I know I haven't blogged in a long time but to put it lightly things haven't been going well, and it's gone from bad to worse. I saw my psychiatrist today for the second time and....well I FUCKING HATE HER! She has been of no use to me but everything ends up being my fault. I moved from the big city to a small town to reduce my stress among other reasons. I waited 7 months to see her only to do a lame med review, which she never even gave me a new Rx so I had to go to Emergency to get a refill on my antidepressants when I realized too late there were no refills at my pharmacy. So fine. Also at that appointment I was told that for some reason I wasn't on the waiting list for a therapist, despite my phone calls and inquisitions over those seven months as to when something may happen. I could have been seeing a therapist for the last 6 months. So I went back to my psychiatrist today. Not only was she very late getting me in which I understand, people fall behind. But I made the effort to go, after hours of fighting with myself not to call and cancel, and drove to a different town, and arrived 15 minutes early out of respect. So I wait in the waiting room for over a half hour and then I only ended up getting a 15 minute appointment, WTF? Not only did she not ask about my medications or give me a prescription, she didn't mention all the lab work I had to have done and spent ten minutes trying to figure out where I was on the waiting list only to tell me it will still be two weeks and she has no control over it. Well thanks for wasting my time. Then I explained to her that I was really feeling disappointed at the lack of help I am receiving. My emotions are out of control and I am having trouble with day to day life. Like not being able to get out of bed, of being so terribly fearful to leave my house that I am sometimes paralyzed by it, that my job is suffering and the hours I get are barely enough to pay for my medication, my fiance is in school, I have the weight of the world on my shoulders because everyone seems to think I am to blame because I don't make enough money to support us. She told me to get a job as a Walmart greeter, yeah someone who can barely leave the house and has extreme social anxiety. I am crushed by feelings of guilt, depression, anxiety, worthlessness and poor body image every day.
Do you know what she told me? She told me that although she knows the reasons I decided to move to a small town, and there is less help here. (My fault?)  SO what do I have to do to put myself on the list? Attempt suicide and be hospitalized? I think I got it down now, I had two unsuccessful attempts, I'm sure I could make another one and make it through. I am obviously not very good at it.
Then she told me I need to exercise to get rid of my anxiety, run up and down the stairs at my house,several times a day.. And then I will be fitter, she told me. Yeah thanks bitch, as if I didn't have enough concerns about my weight, and she knows that. So I guess it's push anorexia day today.
I booked back in for a month from now. However at the time I feel like she is only in it for the money and doesn't really want to help anyone. Her advice is totally bunk and makes me wonder where she got her liscence. My problem, there is noone else. I feel totally hopeless right now. I am getting progressively worse over this time, have become a total shut in, only leave the house about once a week and that's either for appointments or work. Everything is going down the drain and I can't get any help. 15 minutes once a month just doesn't do it for me. I know I am on the waiting list for a therapist but I kind of wonder...I mean, if the only psychiatrist is too busy to help and the therapists are taking on her patients, how busy are they? Are they going to be able to help. I can't move back to the city. It will eat me alive. But I have no hope anymore. I really just want to give up.
So here I am. Broke verging on homeless, ridden with suicidal thoughts and beginning stages of agoraphobia, along with my Borderline Personality Disorder, depression and anxiety. So I am told I shouldn't have moved to a small town, I should exercise obsessively(that's what it will become if I do that) and get a job in a public place where there are droves of people. Fuck off.
I don't know what to do.

Up/Down

I haven't written a post in awhile. I've really been all over the place the last week or so. I went from excited about my new job to not wanting to go back. From feeling confident and upbeat to miserable. I got very close to having myself admitted twice in the last week. Other times I am euphoric and excitable. It's so confusing.
I started the week by working at my new job then didn't go the second day due to bad weather and the highway being closed. I started setting up my art studio which I haven't done since we moved her in December so my stuff was everywhere. That felt good. It was alot of work and it felt like an accomplishment. I started a few new art projects that I was really excited about and happy with. But I had to quit. In all the fun and excitement I hadn't realized I was out of some major supplies I needed. But when it came down to it I had been tucked away inside for a few days and not realized how comfortable I was with burrowing. Until I realized that I didn't have the courage to go outside and deal with people. I couldn't even make myself go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions because I was too afraid. This has become a pattern lately, so much so that my avoidance even stretched out to my blog.
My fiance ended up picking my Rx up for me. I still got plunged out into the world however when I got a really bad sore throat and had to go to Emergency. It ended up being tonsillitis and I feel like my head is going to fall off.
11 more days until my first visit with my new psychiatrist. This last seven months being unattended has been excruciating. The panic attacks have increased dramatically and my depression seems harder and harder to fight off each time I get sucked into it.

Birthday Blah!

Today is my fifth day in a row of total indoor seclusion. I managed to delay our trip to the city not by confident decision making, and by luck that the wrath of mother nature came down in full force here. We got a blizzard with over a foot of snow overnight with highway warnings not to travel. Sweet. But I don't want to miss my appointment with my hearing specialist so we are going to leave tomorrow and stay overnight, then go to my appointment and come back. A. will have to miss school (Did I mention through all of this I am trying to put my fiance through college?) but I won't go by myself. So I will have to take a break from my recent clutch of isolation.

Today is also my birthday. I turned 31. It makes no difference to me either way really. I already felt old and decrepit as it was. I got a present from my parents and a few phone calls and texts which made me feel good because I thought I would be totally forgotten. I spoke to mom and dad and my brother's girlfriend. My parents were over there for dinner, but my brother never made it to the phone, which is probably a good thing. It does kind of bug me though that my parents always hang out with them. I know that they all live in the same city and I don't but even when I did live there they never made that effort with me. I would have to beg and plead with my mom to go shopping or out for lunch or something mother/daughtery and she would break down only very few and far between requests. And it was never fun anyways. But she goes to dinner and movies with my brothers girlfriend? Hmmm.

Then there is the fact that I worry, obsess about, and fear this woman who isn't even my biological mother. My biological mother gave me up for adoption when I was born and I lived in an orphanage until my adoptive parents came for me I think about two months later, I'm not sure I would have to check my adoption records, but no matter. But today I always think about her, my birthday. I wonder if she's thinking of me? If she regrets giving me away or if she's happy she made the right decision? If she looks like me, thinks like me? I usually stop myself because I am not ready to even consider trying to look. I couldn't handle the devastation if I was rejected.

I FINALLY got my first paycheck from my job, payroll mix up left it delayed when I was supposed to get it at Christmas, so that was a nice little gift. But directly following that I got a letter from Canada Revenue Agency that I owe over $1,200 in back taxes because they were missing a T-4 from last year, which I told them at the time I was unable to obtain a T-4 from that employer so they should have done that but obviously didn't. So they basically cancel each other out. Just another kick in the ass from the government, thanks. Because that's what I need is more people to owe money that I don't have.

Other than that my day has mostly revolved around food. A. got up and made me banana chocolate chip buttermilk pancakes for breakfast, yummy! He did everything today, he cleaned and took care of me and let me take three naps. I've been really sedated the last few days. My stress has been out of control so I have been taking my full doses of Seroquel and then some and I am still having panic attacks. I'm so depressed lately I just have so many thoughts going through my brain I just want it to stop. The only way to do that lately seems sedation and sleep. On top of that my sciatic nerve in my spine has been really bothering me for the last few days so I have been taking muscle relaxants and analgesics on top of it all. So explains my urgency to nap. I wasn't awake long enough to eat anything for lunch, but A. is making taco's for dinner, scrumptulescent! Followed by some rich rich ice cream for desert! So while the whole day revolves around food it is all things I enjoy to eat so at least my tummy will be happy. That's a start.

Life From The Couch

It is my third day in a row of doing nothing. I haven't even gone outside, and I love it. My neighbours must think I'm a zombie because every time they pull in or out of their driveway they can see me sitting in the same spot. I've been taking my regular meds Celexa, Wellbutrin, Seroquel as well as Nasonex nose spray and Robaxacet plus whatever other (sugar, caffeine, weed) stimulants I can find to keep numb. I just have absolutely no desire to do anything. I just sit around and wait until I can write on my blog, even though it doesn't really matter. Whether I wrote five times a day or five times a year I don't think anyone would notice.
I'm supposed to go to the city this weekend because I have an appointment with an ear specialist regarding my deaf left ear which has had several surgeries and causes me nothing but problems and pain. I have been waiting over a year for this appointment and they have rescheduled me twice. But now that it's here I have been desperately hoping they would cancel again because I am very anxious about seeing my friends and A.'s family right now. When I don't feel "quite right" I am usually absolutely convinced it's written right across my forehead in permanent marker so it makes me anxious to be around them. Is it still considered social anxiety if you have panic attacks when you're around close friends and family?
So I am sitting here waiting for a call from my boss. They are moving me to a different hospital to train. I applied for one position which is more hours than now but not full time, it's about 65% of full time, then I can work casual at the other hospitals too. I don't know why I applied for this job when I could have just been thrown around for training everywhere, which would be significantly less work. Aside from the fact that the job I applied for is a 40 minute commute, as opposed to a 5 minute or 15 minute drive at the other jobs. And to be quite honest I don't want to work more. I am struggling as it is to just get out of bed and get showered by noon most days, and leaving the house is a totally different situation that I need to prepare myself for. It's so depressing. A. is always telling me relax, don't do anything. However, two weeks ago we had almost $8,000.00 in the bank because he finally sold his craptastic truck and now it's mostly gone. We have less than $1,000.00. So that money plus the $4,000.00 he gets from student loans could have gotten us through the whole rest of his school term but now we need to scrimp and save and I have to work more. I'm not trying to sound selfish. It's just totally irresponsible that all that savings is gone. I know I'm bad with money, because of my impulse shopping sprees and whatnot but I was being really good this time and I had no idea because I have been locked out of online banking for awhile too. We shouldn't have done Christmas, that's all. So now I'm waiting for my boss to call me and tell me when and where I go to work next, which will kind of determine how long we stay in the city for, I might not even be able to make it to that appointment if she wants me to start right away.  I mostly only wanna go just to see my best friend and her kids, as well as A.'s family and his nephew. I don't even want to see other friends or even let them know I'm there. It's just too much. I feel like I am isolating myself alot lately but it's ok because I am geographically isolated from many of the people in my life anyways and I have no friends or anything where I am. I was even considering doing more work on the computer, in the digital world. Because then you aren't ever really responsible to anyone. In a way this blog is my best friend because I can say anything, it doesn't judge, it doesn't hurt. It's not going to call me names or make me feel bad about myself. (Although I try not to look at many of my past entries). So for the time being, if occupying one couch cushion and a computer chair make me feel a bit more relaxed and keep me from doing less constructive things then that's a bonus. Maybe once I get back to therapy I will have more ambition to be present in the real world. I feel like Borderline Personality Disorder has become me, I have become it. Everything I do is based on my BPD and I can see it clear as day. My cognitive behavioral therapy taught me to recognize my emotions and distortions, but I still don't have the skills to do anything about it. It's like my brain has been programmed to constantly remind me what a freak I am. Maybe I should have stayed in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy group, but one of the therapists I swear to god in heaven is an evil witch. She scared the muffins out of me. Oh yeah, and I let the anger get the best of me when I layed a verbal lashing this ignorant woman in group who was totally mean and offensive to everyone there and I felt like it wasn't a place that was going to be conducive to learning for me, or I would have gotten kicked out anyway so I quit. Now I wait.