Birthday Blah!

Today is my fifth day in a row of total indoor seclusion. I managed to delay our trip to the city not by confident decision making, and by luck that the wrath of mother nature came down in full force here. We got a blizzard with over a foot of snow overnight with highway warnings not to travel. Sweet. But I don't want to miss my appointment with my hearing specialist so we are going to leave tomorrow and stay overnight, then go to my appointment and come back. A. will have to miss school (Did I mention through all of this I am trying to put my fiance through college?) but I won't go by myself. So I will have to take a break from my recent clutch of isolation.

Today is also my birthday. I turned 31. It makes no difference to me either way really. I already felt old and decrepit as it was. I got a present from my parents and a few phone calls and texts which made me feel good because I thought I would be totally forgotten. I spoke to mom and dad and my brother's girlfriend. My parents were over there for dinner, but my brother never made it to the phone, which is probably a good thing. It does kind of bug me though that my parents always hang out with them. I know that they all live in the same city and I don't but even when I did live there they never made that effort with me. I would have to beg and plead with my mom to go shopping or out for lunch or something mother/daughtery and she would break down only very few and far between requests. And it was never fun anyways. But she goes to dinner and movies with my brothers girlfriend? Hmmm.

Then there is the fact that I worry, obsess about, and fear this woman who isn't even my biological mother. My biological mother gave me up for adoption when I was born and I lived in an orphanage until my adoptive parents came for me I think about two months later, I'm not sure I would have to check my adoption records, but no matter. But today I always think about her, my birthday. I wonder if she's thinking of me? If she regrets giving me away or if she's happy she made the right decision? If she looks like me, thinks like me? I usually stop myself because I am not ready to even consider trying to look. I couldn't handle the devastation if I was rejected.

I FINALLY got my first paycheck from my job, payroll mix up left it delayed when I was supposed to get it at Christmas, so that was a nice little gift. But directly following that I got a letter from Canada Revenue Agency that I owe over $1,200 in back taxes because they were missing a T-4 from last year, which I told them at the time I was unable to obtain a T-4 from that employer so they should have done that but obviously didn't. So they basically cancel each other out. Just another kick in the ass from the government, thanks. Because that's what I need is more people to owe money that I don't have.

Other than that my day has mostly revolved around food. A. got up and made me banana chocolate chip buttermilk pancakes for breakfast, yummy! He did everything today, he cleaned and took care of me and let me take three naps. I've been really sedated the last few days. My stress has been out of control so I have been taking my full doses of Seroquel and then some and I am still having panic attacks. I'm so depressed lately I just have so many thoughts going through my brain I just want it to stop. The only way to do that lately seems sedation and sleep. On top of that my sciatic nerve in my spine has been really bothering me for the last few days so I have been taking muscle relaxants and analgesics on top of it all. So explains my urgency to nap. I wasn't awake long enough to eat anything for lunch, but A. is making taco's for dinner, scrumptulescent! Followed by some rich rich ice cream for desert! So while the whole day revolves around food it is all things I enjoy to eat so at least my tummy will be happy. That's a start.