Obsessing and Depressing

I don't know if any of you deal with obsessions but lately I seem to be obsessing on a much larger scale than normal. I haven't posted in a few days, but I haven't been gone,as some of you know I have still been posting comments. I am here now trying to "break" my obsession before fiance and roommate get home. The last few days have been filled with it. I have been online all day and gotten sucked into the internet. I keep telling myself I am going to stop, do some art, take a nap, but as soon as I know it it's been 12 hours and I can't come back. I have been obsessed with a couple people who make vlogs, particularily one person, whom I don't even know, to the point where I sit and watch their video's, sometimes up to 100 in a row, sometimes the same ones over and over. They aren't even about anything relative to me, I gain nothing constructive from it, learn nothing from it. Today my obsession was with my mental illness, my borderline personality disorder, as it started. Which I think is ok to research. The best way to combat an mental illness is to first research and study yourself in it. But then I begin to see correlations with other things and it turns into a whole hypochondriac type thing. I was pretty sure at one point today that I am Schizophrenic. Some days its' art. I start to work on my art and physically cannot stop, even if I want to I can't get my mind off it and walk away. Some days I obsess about sitting on the couch, in my spot, to the point where I almost can't physically move if I tried, having to go to the bathroom so bad it hurt before I eventually removed myself. Yesterday a guy from the gas company showed up at the door, I saw him through the window while I was sitting at the computer desk and the dogs started barking. He stood there forever as I tried to hide in the corner and I was worried he was trying to get me or hurt me and I hid underneath the computer desk like a frightened child until he left, and even then for awhile after. I am so afraid of other people I am confined to my house but dying of being alone. I don't know what to do anymore. It's so hard living inside this head I can't even understand. The weirdest thing is if nobody had ever told me this behaviour was bad I may not even concentrate on it. I don't even know if I make sense anymore. All I know is this is the first time I have been able to "unlock" myself of my own free will, knowing that I need to stop and applying the measures to do so. I feel like I have symptoms that don't even exist to any disease and I talk about it and everyone says "oh that's normal" but to me those are the things that are "psycho". It just doesn't make sense. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I got the feeling that Dr. R. doesn't really want to help me, none of them do, thats why I wasn't on the waiting list for a therapist even though I went through everything proper and have been waiting 7 months. I was totally honest with my doctor and she totally brushed me off as a drunk/addict, which btw I have never been accused of before, even by my last psychiatrist who knew about my drinking and smoking weed but she felt it was under control and not an issue. The new doctor thinks I should go to AADAC. I admit my drinking has become more so, and not for the right reasons but fuck I am telling you my symptoms and whats happening and it's getting blamed on my actions? Believe me I have been sober MANY a day and still had to deal with my mind melt overload. Nobody wants to help me. I am going to die out here. 7 months with nobody to even talk to or review meds and I am waiting again, how long this time? I think they want me to give up so they can deal with other people who are easier. I told my doctor I am hearing voices, not really but kind of. It's like there is a radio in my head and it's on a boring talk radio station, but ti's muffled. I can hear that people are talking but not what they're saying. It mostly happens at night and sometimes it's so annoying I become distracted. First she blamed this on drug and alcohol use then she said it's because of my Seroquel, that I am overdosing on it, well wtf? What is it? How can someone help me if they don't even listen to me! And there is nowhere else to go, there is nobody else here to talk to. I'm so afraid that one day I will give up every last shred of hope I am clinging onto and realize I can't be cured and nobody can help me and have nothing left to live for. I hate myself so much sometimes I just want to kick my own ass and beat some sense into me. I no longer have any confidence or self esteem. I don't deserve treatment I guess.

Overwhelmed

Well I have a few things that have really been bothering me lately. I have had quite a bit of time off work (from being sick with tonsillitis, and sick of life and not wanting to go). But now I have to go back tomorrow, all day. And work with someone I don't even know, and I'm freaking out! Whenever I meet someone new I feel completely overwhelmed and certain that I have "crazy" stamped on my forehead. Aside from the fact that it is hard to manage in the real world after 4-5 day isolation periods of not leaving the house and living in pajamas. Just the fact that I am working with the public all day throws me over the edge sometimes. I am really nervous and half worried that I will make some excuse not to go again, but I can't keep doing that. It's getting ridiculous. My fiance is in school so I can't just be throwing away money like this.
The other thing is that I have my first appointment with my new psychiatrist on Monday. I have been waiting 7 months to see her and now I am terrified. I don't even know what I want to say. I'm worried I won't like her or she won't like me, then I'm screwed because I think she is the only psychiatrist for 50 miles. I'm worried I am going to spend too much time in session focusing on some small thing and not getting to the point of what is really going on. I have been trying to make a list of things I want to talk about so I don't forget everything I wanted to say. But with my scatterbrain it just turned into a whole bunch of little lists scattered about and lists being re-written and revised over and over again to the point in which it just seems like my brain, thoughts splattered all over the place with no real meaning.

Isolation Addict

I'm sitting here thinking that I secretly manipulated my way into getting what I want and I am still not happy. All weekend I have been dreading work on Monday. I have been sick with tonsillitis and ear infections and missed two evening shifts last week. I have been convincing myself that I don't like my job at this new location, I work a casual position that allows me to work between different locations. This new one is a 40 minute commute which can be scary for me to be that far away from home and I get scared that I will have an anxiety attack and have to drive all the way home. Well I didn't go again today, I have told myself I am still sick, I kind of am. But even not wanting to go back makes no sense, I only actually worked at this location for one day and I had felt like it was a good day at the time. So now I am sitting at home, just what I wanted, but I feel guilty.
So I called my work and called my big boss and they had no concern. I work as a casual so they didn't actually have to replace me, it was just training shifts for the new location. And they told me just to get better and we will reschedule those shifts, so I'm not really out any money. I just need to get the courage to actually go to work. I feel like such a screw up.
I've been feeling really depressed lately. I've consumed alcohol in excess almost every day for the last week. In fact I am already drinking and it's not even 10 am. My fiance keeps buying me booze to keep me happy. Oddly it does quite calm me. I normally do not drink to this extreme. I drink a fair amount, socially. But it's not been a habit of mine to drink during the day or by myself as it has been of late. I don't think I have a problem but I think if it continues I am in danger of it becoming a problem. It's all I can do to make my pain go away though. I have been tranquilizing myself with Seroquel and other medications and it's become that that's not enough to get me through the day.
I have been isolating myself at home for quite awhile now. It's to the point that I think it is hindering me in my daily life. Usually I go 2-3 days at a time f no contact with the outside world then I have to go get stuff done. But lately my isolation's have been climbing up to 4-5 days at a time. And it extends even further to avoiding my family and friends. It really hit me the other day when my best friend text me and said she feels like I am mad at her or don't want to talk to her anymore because every time she calls or texts I never respond. She is totally right. I told her I'm sorry, she's the only girlfriend I do have still. I apologized and explained what's been going on. I made time for a long chat with her that night and it made me feel better and her too. I didn't even have an excuse, I told her I've been terrible and she doesn't deserve that, she is such a good friend to me. I guess that's why she understands and can accept my idiosyncrasies.

Birthday Blah!

Today is my fifth day in a row of total indoor seclusion. I managed to delay our trip to the city not by confident decision making, and by luck that the wrath of mother nature came down in full force here. We got a blizzard with over a foot of snow overnight with highway warnings not to travel. Sweet. But I don't want to miss my appointment with my hearing specialist so we are going to leave tomorrow and stay overnight, then go to my appointment and come back. A. will have to miss school (Did I mention through all of this I am trying to put my fiance through college?) but I won't go by myself. So I will have to take a break from my recent clutch of isolation.

Today is also my birthday. I turned 31. It makes no difference to me either way really. I already felt old and decrepit as it was. I got a present from my parents and a few phone calls and texts which made me feel good because I thought I would be totally forgotten. I spoke to mom and dad and my brother's girlfriend. My parents were over there for dinner, but my brother never made it to the phone, which is probably a good thing. It does kind of bug me though that my parents always hang out with them. I know that they all live in the same city and I don't but even when I did live there they never made that effort with me. I would have to beg and plead with my mom to go shopping or out for lunch or something mother/daughtery and she would break down only very few and far between requests. And it was never fun anyways. But she goes to dinner and movies with my brothers girlfriend? Hmmm.

Then there is the fact that I worry, obsess about, and fear this woman who isn't even my biological mother. My biological mother gave me up for adoption when I was born and I lived in an orphanage until my adoptive parents came for me I think about two months later, I'm not sure I would have to check my adoption records, but no matter. But today I always think about her, my birthday. I wonder if she's thinking of me? If she regrets giving me away or if she's happy she made the right decision? If she looks like me, thinks like me? I usually stop myself because I am not ready to even consider trying to look. I couldn't handle the devastation if I was rejected.

I FINALLY got my first paycheck from my job, payroll mix up left it delayed when I was supposed to get it at Christmas, so that was a nice little gift. But directly following that I got a letter from Canada Revenue Agency that I owe over $1,200 in back taxes because they were missing a T-4 from last year, which I told them at the time I was unable to obtain a T-4 from that employer so they should have done that but obviously didn't. So they basically cancel each other out. Just another kick in the ass from the government, thanks. Because that's what I need is more people to owe money that I don't have.

Other than that my day has mostly revolved around food. A. got up and made me banana chocolate chip buttermilk pancakes for breakfast, yummy! He did everything today, he cleaned and took care of me and let me take three naps. I've been really sedated the last few days. My stress has been out of control so I have been taking my full doses of Seroquel and then some and I am still having panic attacks. I'm so depressed lately I just have so many thoughts going through my brain I just want it to stop. The only way to do that lately seems sedation and sleep. On top of that my sciatic nerve in my spine has been really bothering me for the last few days so I have been taking muscle relaxants and analgesics on top of it all. So explains my urgency to nap. I wasn't awake long enough to eat anything for lunch, but A. is making taco's for dinner, scrumptulescent! Followed by some rich rich ice cream for desert! So while the whole day revolves around food it is all things I enjoy to eat so at least my tummy will be happy. That's a start.

Anxiously Isolating

I'm sitting here waiting for a phone call from my boss about my job and anticipating the aforementioned trip this weekend and literally boiling with anxiety. I guess there is a downside to isolation, waiting alone is pure stress. As I continue to think about it I am getting more and more worked up. I don't even want to go on this trip. I don't want to see anyone or have anyone see me. I feel socially awkward even around my friends. Some of them I don't even really consider friends, I just let them believe they are my friends. But honestly if most of them stopped talking to me tomorrow I probably couldn't care less. I guess it's just abandonment conditioning or something. But I don't want to have to put on a show that everything is OK for the whole weekend, that's even harder than accepting that everything is NOT OK. I'm feeling nauseous and tight chested just thinking about it. But on the flip side, if I don't go I know I will regret the fun I missed and the love I would receive. I know its not healthy to want to be alone all the time, but I feel comfortable and safe when I'm at home, and if that doesn't work the surefire cure is to run to my bed and hide under the covers. It's really juvenile but it makes me feel better, the whole if I can't see them they can't see me theory. A. has gotten so used to it that when I run and hide under the covers he will crawl underneath with me and hold me and ask me if I feel safe. I hate the thought of not having my bed close. A. has assured me that if I am not up to making this trip I can cancel my appointment and stay home. He will g to the city to get some of the things we need, and I will be home alone, it's about a 7 hour drive each way. But then I feel guilty to make him go alone, and I will miss the appointment I'm waiting so long for, plus there are a few things we need to pick up from back home. I told him I would wait to see what my boss says. I reasoned that if she doesn't want me to start for a few weeks I'll go on this trip because I will have time to wind down again before I go back to work. But if she wants me to start work right away I won't go. I can't even tell if I am being reasonable or logical about this or of everything I am thinking is just totally distorted right now.

Life From The Couch

It is my third day in a row of doing nothing. I haven't even gone outside, and I love it. My neighbours must think I'm a zombie because every time they pull in or out of their driveway they can see me sitting in the same spot. I've been taking my regular meds Celexa, Wellbutrin, Seroquel as well as Nasonex nose spray and Robaxacet plus whatever other (sugar, caffeine, weed) stimulants I can find to keep numb. I just have absolutely no desire to do anything. I just sit around and wait until I can write on my blog, even though it doesn't really matter. Whether I wrote five times a day or five times a year I don't think anyone would notice.
I'm supposed to go to the city this weekend because I have an appointment with an ear specialist regarding my deaf left ear which has had several surgeries and causes me nothing but problems and pain. I have been waiting over a year for this appointment and they have rescheduled me twice. But now that it's here I have been desperately hoping they would cancel again because I am very anxious about seeing my friends and A.'s family right now. When I don't feel "quite right" I am usually absolutely convinced it's written right across my forehead in permanent marker so it makes me anxious to be around them. Is it still considered social anxiety if you have panic attacks when you're around close friends and family?
So I am sitting here waiting for a call from my boss. They are moving me to a different hospital to train. I applied for one position which is more hours than now but not full time, it's about 65% of full time, then I can work casual at the other hospitals too. I don't know why I applied for this job when I could have just been thrown around for training everywhere, which would be significantly less work. Aside from the fact that the job I applied for is a 40 minute commute, as opposed to a 5 minute or 15 minute drive at the other jobs. And to be quite honest I don't want to work more. I am struggling as it is to just get out of bed and get showered by noon most days, and leaving the house is a totally different situation that I need to prepare myself for. It's so depressing. A. is always telling me relax, don't do anything. However, two weeks ago we had almost $8,000.00 in the bank because he finally sold his craptastic truck and now it's mostly gone. We have less than $1,000.00. So that money plus the $4,000.00 he gets from student loans could have gotten us through the whole rest of his school term but now we need to scrimp and save and I have to work more. I'm not trying to sound selfish. It's just totally irresponsible that all that savings is gone. I know I'm bad with money, because of my impulse shopping sprees and whatnot but I was being really good this time and I had no idea because I have been locked out of online banking for awhile too. We shouldn't have done Christmas, that's all. So now I'm waiting for my boss to call me and tell me when and where I go to work next, which will kind of determine how long we stay in the city for, I might not even be able to make it to that appointment if she wants me to start right away.  I mostly only wanna go just to see my best friend and her kids, as well as A.'s family and his nephew. I don't even want to see other friends or even let them know I'm there. It's just too much. I feel like I am isolating myself alot lately but it's ok because I am geographically isolated from many of the people in my life anyways and I have no friends or anything where I am. I was even considering doing more work on the computer, in the digital world. Because then you aren't ever really responsible to anyone. In a way this blog is my best friend because I can say anything, it doesn't judge, it doesn't hurt. It's not going to call me names or make me feel bad about myself. (Although I try not to look at many of my past entries). So for the time being, if occupying one couch cushion and a computer chair make me feel a bit more relaxed and keep me from doing less constructive things then that's a bonus. Maybe once I get back to therapy I will have more ambition to be present in the real world. I feel like Borderline Personality Disorder has become me, I have become it. Everything I do is based on my BPD and I can see it clear as day. My cognitive behavioral therapy taught me to recognize my emotions and distortions, but I still don't have the skills to do anything about it. It's like my brain has been programmed to constantly remind me what a freak I am. Maybe I should have stayed in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy group, but one of the therapists I swear to god in heaven is an evil witch. She scared the muffins out of me. Oh yeah, and I let the anger get the best of me when I layed a verbal lashing this ignorant woman in group who was totally mean and offensive to everyone there and I felt like it wasn't a place that was going to be conducive to learning for me, or I would have gotten kicked out anyway so I quit. Now I wait.