HELP!

I don't know what to do. I know I haven't blogged in a long time but to put it lightly things haven't been going well, and it's gone from bad to worse. I saw my psychiatrist today for the second time and....well I FUCKING HATE HER! She has been of no use to me but everything ends up being my fault. I moved from the big city to a small town to reduce my stress among other reasons. I waited 7 months to see her only to do a lame med review, which she never even gave me a new Rx so I had to go to Emergency to get a refill on my antidepressants when I realized too late there were no refills at my pharmacy. So fine. Also at that appointment I was told that for some reason I wasn't on the waiting list for a therapist, despite my phone calls and inquisitions over those seven months as to when something may happen. I could have been seeing a therapist for the last 6 months. So I went back to my psychiatrist today. Not only was she very late getting me in which I understand, people fall behind. But I made the effort to go, after hours of fighting with myself not to call and cancel, and drove to a different town, and arrived 15 minutes early out of respect. So I wait in the waiting room for over a half hour and then I only ended up getting a 15 minute appointment, WTF? Not only did she not ask about my medications or give me a prescription, she didn't mention all the lab work I had to have done and spent ten minutes trying to figure out where I was on the waiting list only to tell me it will still be two weeks and she has no control over it. Well thanks for wasting my time. Then I explained to her that I was really feeling disappointed at the lack of help I am receiving. My emotions are out of control and I am having trouble with day to day life. Like not being able to get out of bed, of being so terribly fearful to leave my house that I am sometimes paralyzed by it, that my job is suffering and the hours I get are barely enough to pay for my medication, my fiance is in school, I have the weight of the world on my shoulders because everyone seems to think I am to blame because I don't make enough money to support us. She told me to get a job as a Walmart greeter, yeah someone who can barely leave the house and has extreme social anxiety. I am crushed by feelings of guilt, depression, anxiety, worthlessness and poor body image every day.
Do you know what she told me? She told me that although she knows the reasons I decided to move to a small town, and there is less help here. (My fault?)  SO what do I have to do to put myself on the list? Attempt suicide and be hospitalized? I think I got it down now, I had two unsuccessful attempts, I'm sure I could make another one and make it through. I am obviously not very good at it.
Then she told me I need to exercise to get rid of my anxiety, run up and down the stairs at my house,several times a day.. And then I will be fitter, she told me. Yeah thanks bitch, as if I didn't have enough concerns about my weight, and she knows that. So I guess it's push anorexia day today.
I booked back in for a month from now. However at the time I feel like she is only in it for the money and doesn't really want to help anyone. Her advice is totally bunk and makes me wonder where she got her liscence. My problem, there is noone else. I feel totally hopeless right now. I am getting progressively worse over this time, have become a total shut in, only leave the house about once a week and that's either for appointments or work. Everything is going down the drain and I can't get any help. 15 minutes once a month just doesn't do it for me. I know I am on the waiting list for a therapist but I kind of wonder...I mean, if the only psychiatrist is too busy to help and the therapists are taking on her patients, how busy are they? Are they going to be able to help. I can't move back to the city. It will eat me alive. But I have no hope anymore. I really just want to give up.
So here I am. Broke verging on homeless, ridden with suicidal thoughts and beginning stages of agoraphobia, along with my Borderline Personality Disorder, depression and anxiety. So I am told I shouldn't have moved to a small town, I should exercise obsessively(that's what it will become if I do that) and get a job in a public place where there are droves of people. Fuck off.
I don't know what to do.

Valentines Day, Psych Visit

Well I went to my first appointment with my psychiatrist Dr. R. yesterday, Happy V-DAY to me! Uck. My fiance took the day off school to take me in case I was really upset after. It went okay, she was really nice and had this adorable British accent and long blond hair and lots of her kids artwork all over the wall. She was really upfront with me telling me that because we are in a rural area and she is the only psychiatrist who can prescribe meds in the area that I will mostly be seeing her just for that, every 4-6 weeks. She said I should be on a waiting list for a therapist I can see 1-2 times a week and call if I am in crisis. But when she went to look, nobody had put me on the waiting list. 7 months I've been waiting but she put me on the list and said they should call in a few weeks. She also wants me to go to a program called PACE that runs here, which is for survivors of sexual and physical abuse. Also she wants me to go to ADAC, alcohol and drug addiction counselling. I pretty much told her I have been smoking marijuana for 15 years give or take and I'm most likely not going to quit, it has become a part of my lifestyle and I'm not ready to let it go. But she wants me to go mainly for my drinking. She said not that I have to quit and say I'm an alcoholic, which I don't believe I am. But i can admit that I use alcohol as a coping mechanism so I have to learn not to do that or I will be looking at my alcohol turning into a big problem. But they are just suggestions, I am not required to go to either of these but I think I will, if she suggested she must feel like it will be helpful. Also upon reviewing my meds and symptoms, she believes I am basically overdosing on Seroquel and wants to bring me down off it, which I am also happy about. I have been experiencing extreme symptoms of Akathisia, which is basically extreme restlessness. If I sit in the same position for too long ti actually physically hurts so I am never comfortable, among other symptoms I've been having. Dr. R. is worried because I have been experiencing extreme sugar cravings and Seroquel can actually cause you to become diabetic over time. She is requesting to check my cholesterol, blood glucose levels, my liver and kidneys, etc.  I have to go to the lab and get some tests done. But she won't prescribe me anything for panic attacks. I just wanted some Ativan or something for when they strike, but she said it's not safe for em to have that much medication on hand, she was surprised that I only refill my prescriptions once a month and thinks I should pick them up only every two weeks, she said if I feel unsafe I can turn my pills in to the pharmacy and they will hold onto them for me. But as I explained that has never been a problem for me, I did a few overdoses on pills before and it doesn't get you anywhere except really sick. Besides the fact that my fiance often dispenses my pills to me so he knows what the levels are like and would notice if I was abusing my medication. She also hooked me up with an outreach program in case I feel like I am in crisis. It's not quite that comfortable for em to admit myself to the hospital because I work at the hospital and everyone knows me. SO while I was kind of upset that after all this time I am not even on the waiting list for a therapist and wont be seeing Dr. R very often but overall I guess it went ok.

After the appointment me and A. went out for breakfast to celebrate valentines day but that's about all we did. When I got home I finally called my boss, which I have been very nervous about. I can't go back to the other location. It's too long a drive, I don't like being that far away from home and I'm just not happy there. Instead of continuing to miss shifts and kill myself with worry I thought I had better just be honest. It was so hard for me to confront her. But I called and told her the truth and said I would rather stop now than them paying me to train me there if I have no intention of wanting to work there. So she was cool about it, she was glad I was honest. I am going to continue to work at the hospital in my home town then she is starting em training at the hospital in the next city over. But that's only a 15 minute drive as opposed to 45 minute commute to the other place. Overall I was quite happy with how the day went. Me and my fiance made love last night for the first time in a long time, I have been feeling very insecure lately. But it was amazing and I am so happy he hasn't given up on me. I thought I would never meet anyone who would be able to put up with my BS and still love me. Don't get me wrong, we have problems, both of us individually and together, but we are both seeking help and supporting each other. He's the first person in my life I ever felt like REALLY loved me unconditionally. Not many people know how to deal with a 31 year old with the emotional maturity of a child.

As it seems I am very pleased with things I am still very depressed. I was looking forward to laying on the couch and snuggling with my pets and surfing the net, blogging, doing some art- my usual routine. But there was 20cm of snow last night and my fiance and roommate weren't able to get there today. They are sitting here intruding on my day. So I actually have to so stuff and pretend like I'm not totally useless. Pretend

Overwhelmed

Well I have a few things that have really been bothering me lately. I have had quite a bit of time off work (from being sick with tonsillitis, and sick of life and not wanting to go). But now I have to go back tomorrow, all day. And work with someone I don't even know, and I'm freaking out! Whenever I meet someone new I feel completely overwhelmed and certain that I have "crazy" stamped on my forehead. Aside from the fact that it is hard to manage in the real world after 4-5 day isolation periods of not leaving the house and living in pajamas. Just the fact that I am working with the public all day throws me over the edge sometimes. I am really nervous and half worried that I will make some excuse not to go again, but I can't keep doing that. It's getting ridiculous. My fiance is in school so I can't just be throwing away money like this.
The other thing is that I have my first appointment with my new psychiatrist on Monday. I have been waiting 7 months to see her and now I am terrified. I don't even know what I want to say. I'm worried I won't like her or she won't like me, then I'm screwed because I think she is the only psychiatrist for 50 miles. I'm worried I am going to spend too much time in session focusing on some small thing and not getting to the point of what is really going on. I have been trying to make a list of things I want to talk about so I don't forget everything I wanted to say. But with my scatterbrain it just turned into a whole bunch of little lists scattered about and lists being re-written and revised over and over again to the point in which it just seems like my brain, thoughts splattered all over the place with no real meaning.

Isolation Addict

I'm sitting here thinking that I secretly manipulated my way into getting what I want and I am still not happy. All weekend I have been dreading work on Monday. I have been sick with tonsillitis and ear infections and missed two evening shifts last week. I have been convincing myself that I don't like my job at this new location, I work a casual position that allows me to work between different locations. This new one is a 40 minute commute which can be scary for me to be that far away from home and I get scared that I will have an anxiety attack and have to drive all the way home. Well I didn't go again today, I have told myself I am still sick, I kind of am. But even not wanting to go back makes no sense, I only actually worked at this location for one day and I had felt like it was a good day at the time. So now I am sitting at home, just what I wanted, but I feel guilty.
So I called my work and called my big boss and they had no concern. I work as a casual so they didn't actually have to replace me, it was just training shifts for the new location. And they told me just to get better and we will reschedule those shifts, so I'm not really out any money. I just need to get the courage to actually go to work. I feel like such a screw up.
I've been feeling really depressed lately. I've consumed alcohol in excess almost every day for the last week. In fact I am already drinking and it's not even 10 am. My fiance keeps buying me booze to keep me happy. Oddly it does quite calm me. I normally do not drink to this extreme. I drink a fair amount, socially. But it's not been a habit of mine to drink during the day or by myself as it has been of late. I don't think I have a problem but I think if it continues I am in danger of it becoming a problem. It's all I can do to make my pain go away though. I have been tranquilizing myself with Seroquel and other medications and it's become that that's not enough to get me through the day.
I have been isolating myself at home for quite awhile now. It's to the point that I think it is hindering me in my daily life. Usually I go 2-3 days at a time f no contact with the outside world then I have to go get stuff done. But lately my isolation's have been climbing up to 4-5 days at a time. And it extends even further to avoiding my family and friends. It really hit me the other day when my best friend text me and said she feels like I am mad at her or don't want to talk to her anymore because every time she calls or texts I never respond. She is totally right. I told her I'm sorry, she's the only girlfriend I do have still. I apologized and explained what's been going on. I made time for a long chat with her that night and it made me feel better and her too. I didn't even have an excuse, I told her I've been terrible and she doesn't deserve that, she is such a good friend to me. I guess that's why she understands and can accept my idiosyncrasies.

What's the Point of My Blog?

What is the point of my blog? The answer is, well I'm not quite sure anymore. It seems like I only blog when I am in crisis, or when I am feeling OK I only blog out of guilt that I haven't written. Or the fact that I don't want to be too depressing to anyone who actually reads this rubbish. I am not a talented writer so I am sure most of my posts are very uninteresting to most. The posts I write when I am miserable, anxiety ridden or even suicidal are the only posts that actually have any true meaning. I don't even feel like a real person when I'm not in crisis. I have become so familiar with pain and mental illness it almost seems to define me. Any other time I write I feel like a total fake. Don't get me wrong, I don't lie about anything on here, there is no need to. I just don't really know who I am when I'm not depressed. But to look back on only a deep black hole of my life and see nothing bright and shiny can actually cause me to have a panic attack, because as much as I feel I am defined by depression, mental illness, BPD- I don't want to be.
I have reasoned that I should still write as maybe one day I will be able to see some sort of pattern or improvement in myself but right now it's just nauseating. I have also reasoned that I should write for personal therapy, as I am still waiting to meet my new psychiatrist since I moved up to rural butt fuck nowhere (6 months down and one month to go) so it helps me get my feelings out in a way. Ir does seem unreasonable to me that I have had to wait this long. Before I moved here I was  hospitalize din the psych ward, went to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, was registered into Dialectical Behaviour Therapy but quit, was having one to two visits with my psychiatrist a week and not working, still in a very tender state. It feels to me like everyone just wanted to get rid of me, pass me off, because there is no way someone of my mental health should have been left unattended for seven months. I have had several instances of extreme use of drugs and alcohol, self-harm and suicidal ideations. I have to tranquilize myself with medications to keep going. On top of that I am trying to hold up a job, a relationship, and my sanity.
So what is the point of this blog? Nothing. I guess it eats up some of my time and distracts me momentarily, is that considered a coping mechanism? However sometimes reading my blog can trigger me too. I try not to read it too much, I try to wait until down the road when maybe I can start recognizing some things from what I write, but sometimes it's just easier to wallow in self misery.
In fact the best thing about this blog is my reading list, I love reading everyone elses blogs, feeling like I can relate to someone, but I have trouble humanizing other people too. I know there are a few of you who do read this, and I thank you (namely Sairs- thanks for your comments and support, you are lovely!) because I guess that is partially why I keep going.
I am wondering if I should share this blog with my psychiatrist? I know some of you have done so, I wonder if it is beneficial for therapy or just something my psychiatrist will use against me in some way. (Maybe that's paranoia). Anyways, I am going to post a poll and if anyone reads this could you please give me some insight on this matter either by poll or comments, then I shall decide the fate of Borderline Ballistic.

Anxiously Isolating

I'm sitting here waiting for a phone call from my boss about my job and anticipating the aforementioned trip this weekend and literally boiling with anxiety. I guess there is a downside to isolation, waiting alone is pure stress. As I continue to think about it I am getting more and more worked up. I don't even want to go on this trip. I don't want to see anyone or have anyone see me. I feel socially awkward even around my friends. Some of them I don't even really consider friends, I just let them believe they are my friends. But honestly if most of them stopped talking to me tomorrow I probably couldn't care less. I guess it's just abandonment conditioning or something. But I don't want to have to put on a show that everything is OK for the whole weekend, that's even harder than accepting that everything is NOT OK. I'm feeling nauseous and tight chested just thinking about it. But on the flip side, if I don't go I know I will regret the fun I missed and the love I would receive. I know its not healthy to want to be alone all the time, but I feel comfortable and safe when I'm at home, and if that doesn't work the surefire cure is to run to my bed and hide under the covers. It's really juvenile but it makes me feel better, the whole if I can't see them they can't see me theory. A. has gotten so used to it that when I run and hide under the covers he will crawl underneath with me and hold me and ask me if I feel safe. I hate the thought of not having my bed close. A. has assured me that if I am not up to making this trip I can cancel my appointment and stay home. He will g to the city to get some of the things we need, and I will be home alone, it's about a 7 hour drive each way. But then I feel guilty to make him go alone, and I will miss the appointment I'm waiting so long for, plus there are a few things we need to pick up from back home. I told him I would wait to see what my boss says. I reasoned that if she doesn't want me to start for a few weeks I'll go on this trip because I will have time to wind down again before I go back to work. But if she wants me to start work right away I won't go. I can't even tell if I am being reasonable or logical about this or of everything I am thinking is just totally distorted right now.

Life From The Couch

It is my third day in a row of doing nothing. I haven't even gone outside, and I love it. My neighbours must think I'm a zombie because every time they pull in or out of their driveway they can see me sitting in the same spot. I've been taking my regular meds Celexa, Wellbutrin, Seroquel as well as Nasonex nose spray and Robaxacet plus whatever other (sugar, caffeine, weed) stimulants I can find to keep numb. I just have absolutely no desire to do anything. I just sit around and wait until I can write on my blog, even though it doesn't really matter. Whether I wrote five times a day or five times a year I don't think anyone would notice.
I'm supposed to go to the city this weekend because I have an appointment with an ear specialist regarding my deaf left ear which has had several surgeries and causes me nothing but problems and pain. I have been waiting over a year for this appointment and they have rescheduled me twice. But now that it's here I have been desperately hoping they would cancel again because I am very anxious about seeing my friends and A.'s family right now. When I don't feel "quite right" I am usually absolutely convinced it's written right across my forehead in permanent marker so it makes me anxious to be around them. Is it still considered social anxiety if you have panic attacks when you're around close friends and family?
So I am sitting here waiting for a call from my boss. They are moving me to a different hospital to train. I applied for one position which is more hours than now but not full time, it's about 65% of full time, then I can work casual at the other hospitals too. I don't know why I applied for this job when I could have just been thrown around for training everywhere, which would be significantly less work. Aside from the fact that the job I applied for is a 40 minute commute, as opposed to a 5 minute or 15 minute drive at the other jobs. And to be quite honest I don't want to work more. I am struggling as it is to just get out of bed and get showered by noon most days, and leaving the house is a totally different situation that I need to prepare myself for. It's so depressing. A. is always telling me relax, don't do anything. However, two weeks ago we had almost $8,000.00 in the bank because he finally sold his craptastic truck and now it's mostly gone. We have less than $1,000.00. So that money plus the $4,000.00 he gets from student loans could have gotten us through the whole rest of his school term but now we need to scrimp and save and I have to work more. I'm not trying to sound selfish. It's just totally irresponsible that all that savings is gone. I know I'm bad with money, because of my impulse shopping sprees and whatnot but I was being really good this time and I had no idea because I have been locked out of online banking for awhile too. We shouldn't have done Christmas, that's all. So now I'm waiting for my boss to call me and tell me when and where I go to work next, which will kind of determine how long we stay in the city for, I might not even be able to make it to that appointment if she wants me to start right away.  I mostly only wanna go just to see my best friend and her kids, as well as A.'s family and his nephew. I don't even want to see other friends or even let them know I'm there. It's just too much. I feel like I am isolating myself alot lately but it's ok because I am geographically isolated from many of the people in my life anyways and I have no friends or anything where I am. I was even considering doing more work on the computer, in the digital world. Because then you aren't ever really responsible to anyone. In a way this blog is my best friend because I can say anything, it doesn't judge, it doesn't hurt. It's not going to call me names or make me feel bad about myself. (Although I try not to look at many of my past entries). So for the time being, if occupying one couch cushion and a computer chair make me feel a bit more relaxed and keep me from doing less constructive things then that's a bonus. Maybe once I get back to therapy I will have more ambition to be present in the real world. I feel like Borderline Personality Disorder has become me, I have become it. Everything I do is based on my BPD and I can see it clear as day. My cognitive behavioral therapy taught me to recognize my emotions and distortions, but I still don't have the skills to do anything about it. It's like my brain has been programmed to constantly remind me what a freak I am. Maybe I should have stayed in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy group, but one of the therapists I swear to god in heaven is an evil witch. She scared the muffins out of me. Oh yeah, and I let the anger get the best of me when I layed a verbal lashing this ignorant woman in group who was totally mean and offensive to everyone there and I felt like it wasn't a place that was going to be conducive to learning for me, or I would have gotten kicked out anyway so I quit. Now I wait.

Desperately Seeking Sedation

I'm so very confused. Everything has turned full circle. I forgave A. right before our roommate came home from Christmas holidays. I don't know if I really forgave him or I just don't want to be looked down on, or feel like a failure. I was laying in bed last night and all I could think about is that nothing has really changed. I feel different now. It's little things, like I don't tell him I love him all the time like I used too, and when he says it I sometimes feel uncomfortable about saying it. I still don't trust him at all, and it will be a long time until I can, if I ever can. I feel like I sold out. But like I told him, I'm just not good at being alone.
I have no friends here, not one. I have no one to talk to, not even a psychiatrist. I've been waiting so long. I've been through nothing but bouts of heavy drinking, drugs, intense arguments, self harm, suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety and nothing helps. It's been a long time since my medications were adjusted so maybe that's something that will help. But in the meantime I just have to wait it out? I have such extreme anxiety sometimes I get physically sick and vomit and feel like I'm having a heart attack and can't breathe. I have to take so much Seroquel to calm me down that it knocks me out. I asked my G.P., Dr. D, to prescribe me some Ativan or something just for those instances of stress but he said he doesn't think I should be taking anymore medication orally until I see my psychiatrist, which I explained to him is forever and a days wait- and he didn't even give me alternate advise for the time being. It's not like I have a sinus cold or something, this is a serious matter and nobody will help me. He could've called and tried to get me in sooner. I think because I work with him at the hospital and he sees me there he thinks I must be fine if I am functioning and keeping a job. But my job is only casual, I don't work all that many hours and when I do I just suck it up and wear long sleeves to cover injuries and smile my shift away. I think he is a non-believer of the BPD thing. He probably thinks I am faking. Not even knowing I will be able to see the psychiatrist in a little over a month makes me feel better. I know I need to go sooner. Today is the walk in clinic at the mental health clinic. Again. I've been debating going for over a month, it's only on Thursdays so there's a limited window of time to decide. I usually don't go because I make excuses not to. For example, if I go today it's only meant to be a one time service and what if I need it more the next time. Or, If I go in and tell them everything I've been doing they will lock me up as an inpatient and I will lose my job. Or, I don't deserve to be helped, I should just put myself out of my misery so nobody has to deal with me anymore. Or, why bother.... they have my file, they know what my situation is and they have let me go for seven months unattended, they don't really care about helping me. So as you can see these thoughts have become very consuming and I don't want to ruin things before I even start. Another part of me thinks if they meet me now they wont want to deal with me anyway.
In some ways my blog has been really good but in some ways it's been bad. I feel like airing my grievances sometimes clears them up or gives them less importance in my mind, which is good. But at other times I feel totally rejected and abandoned because everyone else gets comments and has followers and I feel like I'm just not good enough at this. It's not even like I did this for attention, I just was really looking for someone to agree with me, tell me I'm not so crazy and they feel the same. I need someone to confide in and be friends with. I know I'm just new and it didn't happen overnight for anyone else. I guess I am a sucker for immediate gratification. I was thinking of changing the name of my blog and starting over but I'm not going to. That would just be so typical of me to quit something before I even start.

Christmas Was Saved, Just on Time for Me to Ruin it!

It was December 23rd and I was sitting around feeling sorry for myself because my family doesn't love me enough to want me around during the holidays. Then A. suggested we have Christmas anyways, by ourselves, between us and the two dogs and two cats how many more people do we need right? So the next morning (Christmas Eve) we did everything. We got up early and went shopping for presents, decorations, junk food, stocking stuffers, Christmas dinner and among other things, a tree! When we got it all home we realized the tree was not green with silver tinsel on it, but rather it was entirely made of silver tinsel- truly a disco Christmas! We decided to keep it because it is kind of odd and funny looking but still cute. We decorated and pigged out all night. Then I had to go to work for 4 hours in the evening. When I got back A. had a Christmas feast prepared, a stuffed roasting chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy and vegetables- the works. We pigged out and watched holiday movies all night. We stayed up until midnight to open one present each and decided to open the ones my parents had sent because neither of us could choose which one to give each other first. It was really happy and we went to bed for a nice long sleep.

I woke up in the morning and arranged all of the stocking things, our stuff and all the toys and treats for the pets. We got up and opened presents then continued to pig out all day on junk food and leftovers so we didn't have to cook. We even had a paper plate set so we didn't even have to do dishes. Talk about preparing for laziness. It was really fun.

And then I happened......

I guess with all the rush and bustle of our last minute Christmas I was able to push some things aside and pretend. It was boxing day. I guess what I failed to mention in my last post was that the whole argument between me and A. was actually resulting almost exclusively from his actions. He has a problem, a big one. This is not one of my BPD catastrophizing and blowing everything up. It is a big deal. I guess it's not fair for me to say anything about the problem, except that it's a habit. A filthy habit that has gotten out of control and I can't take it anymore. He has quit doing other things with great ease but when it comes to something like our relationship he just doesn't seem to care. He says he loves me and he's sorry. But I have heard it so many times before it makes me feel stupid to believe it again. The difference between me and him is that I know I have a problem, I have a mental illness and it affects me daily. But I am trying, I search for resources to educate me and I search for help. I know I'm a god-damned mess most of the time but at least I try. I don't lie about. I hate being lied to. I told him that from day one and he has done nothing but consistently sneak around and lie right to my face. It's humiliating. I can't even tell anyone about it because they will judge him. Rather I let them judge me for being so angry at him all the time for apparently no reason. I look like the jerk. Because I am a sucker for punishment and I know I will continue to put up with it so I try not to paint him the wrong way or my people will try and split us up and then I will be alone. I am alone right now anyways. I told him I want to take a break. We're not really discussing it with anyone, but I am not wearing his ring and I kicked him out of the bedroom for awhile. I need my own space to decide what to do, and the last thing I want is to be physically intimate with him. I love him but he makes my skin crawl, does that make sense? I need someone who makes me feel special, not suicidal. My anxiety is through the roof and I can't wait until New Years Eve because I am going to get so shit-bomb hammered I forget the whole damn year!

BPD Shattered my Hope

My reason for creating this blog is to create some sort of community amongst fellow sufferers of Borderline Personality Disorder and any other associated disorders, mental illnesses, or people who can relate. There is alot of misconception and stigma attatched to mental illness and I am trying to fight it in my own way, by raising awareness, helping others and sharing resources so we can all try and get better. Many people say there is no cure for BPD, I'm not sure. But I know we can unite together and do everything we can to support each other in fighting this illness. I look forward to hearing from you and will take suggestions. It's scary to me to be doing this, so publicly, so bare. However I am not willing to be ashamed of an illness anymore, it's time for us to speak and be heard. I am obviously not a therapist, I speak solely from experience. I have had several hospital stays, voluntary and involuntary due to my own actions. I have been an Inpatient in the psych ward, and an Outpatient completing a 16 week full time program in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, another Dialectical Behavior Therapy group (that I begged to get into and just as quickly dropped out), as well as talk therapy on a regular basis with my psychiatrist. I recently left my psychiatrist and am on a waiting list to get in to see a new psychiatrist in the rural community which I moved to. This process alone has taken me four months and I am not due for my first appointment with my psychiatrist until February. That is 7 months of waiting. I have been officially diagnosed over a year ago with Borderline Personality Disorder and severe Depression and Anxiety Disorders. I take a cocktail of anti-psychotics and anti-depressants which often fail to do the trick. I use drugs and binge drink to excess when I am in crisis, anything to make the pain stop. Going to all this therapy just made me realize that I do have a label, I have symptoms of a disease, with no known cure. I can actively see myself doing things that are self-harming, irrational, compulsive, angry, and manipulative- but I can't seem to be able to stop myself. I want to be a good person, and have a good life and not just pretend to be that person, idealizing everyone else's life which in turn makes me feel depressed and worthless. I feel like I am being ripped off because I have BPD, can anyone relate?