Valentines Day, Psych Visit

Well I went to my first appointment with my psychiatrist Dr. R. yesterday, Happy V-DAY to me! Uck. My fiance took the day off school to take me in case I was really upset after. It went okay, she was really nice and had this adorable British accent and long blond hair and lots of her kids artwork all over the wall. She was really upfront with me telling me that because we are in a rural area and she is the only psychiatrist who can prescribe meds in the area that I will mostly be seeing her just for that, every 4-6 weeks. She said I should be on a waiting list for a therapist I can see 1-2 times a week and call if I am in crisis. But when she went to look, nobody had put me on the waiting list. 7 months I've been waiting but she put me on the list and said they should call in a few weeks. She also wants me to go to a program called PACE that runs here, which is for survivors of sexual and physical abuse. Also she wants me to go to ADAC, alcohol and drug addiction counselling. I pretty much told her I have been smoking marijuana for 15 years give or take and I'm most likely not going to quit, it has become a part of my lifestyle and I'm not ready to let it go. But she wants me to go mainly for my drinking. She said not that I have to quit and say I'm an alcoholic, which I don't believe I am. But i can admit that I use alcohol as a coping mechanism so I have to learn not to do that or I will be looking at my alcohol turning into a big problem. But they are just suggestions, I am not required to go to either of these but I think I will, if she suggested she must feel like it will be helpful. Also upon reviewing my meds and symptoms, she believes I am basically overdosing on Seroquel and wants to bring me down off it, which I am also happy about. I have been experiencing extreme symptoms of Akathisia, which is basically extreme restlessness. If I sit in the same position for too long ti actually physically hurts so I am never comfortable, among other symptoms I've been having. Dr. R. is worried because I have been experiencing extreme sugar cravings and Seroquel can actually cause you to become diabetic over time. She is requesting to check my cholesterol, blood glucose levels, my liver and kidneys, etc.  I have to go to the lab and get some tests done. But she won't prescribe me anything for panic attacks. I just wanted some Ativan or something for when they strike, but she said it's not safe for em to have that much medication on hand, she was surprised that I only refill my prescriptions once a month and thinks I should pick them up only every two weeks, she said if I feel unsafe I can turn my pills in to the pharmacy and they will hold onto them for me. But as I explained that has never been a problem for me, I did a few overdoses on pills before and it doesn't get you anywhere except really sick. Besides the fact that my fiance often dispenses my pills to me so he knows what the levels are like and would notice if I was abusing my medication. She also hooked me up with an outreach program in case I feel like I am in crisis. It's not quite that comfortable for em to admit myself to the hospital because I work at the hospital and everyone knows me. SO while I was kind of upset that after all this time I am not even on the waiting list for a therapist and wont be seeing Dr. R very often but overall I guess it went ok.

After the appointment me and A. went out for breakfast to celebrate valentines day but that's about all we did. When I got home I finally called my boss, which I have been very nervous about. I can't go back to the other location. It's too long a drive, I don't like being that far away from home and I'm just not happy there. Instead of continuing to miss shifts and kill myself with worry I thought I had better just be honest. It was so hard for me to confront her. But I called and told her the truth and said I would rather stop now than them paying me to train me there if I have no intention of wanting to work there. So she was cool about it, she was glad I was honest. I am going to continue to work at the hospital in my home town then she is starting em training at the hospital in the next city over. But that's only a 15 minute drive as opposed to 45 minute commute to the other place. Overall I was quite happy with how the day went. Me and my fiance made love last night for the first time in a long time, I have been feeling very insecure lately. But it was amazing and I am so happy he hasn't given up on me. I thought I would never meet anyone who would be able to put up with my BS and still love me. Don't get me wrong, we have problems, both of us individually and together, but we are both seeking help and supporting each other. He's the first person in my life I ever felt like REALLY loved me unconditionally. Not many people know how to deal with a 31 year old with the emotional maturity of a child.

As it seems I am very pleased with things I am still very depressed. I was looking forward to laying on the couch and snuggling with my pets and surfing the net, blogging, doing some art- my usual routine. But there was 20cm of snow last night and my fiance and roommate weren't able to get there today. They are sitting here intruding on my day. So I actually have to so stuff and pretend like I'm not totally useless. Pretend