Obsessing and Depressing

I don't know if any of you deal with obsessions but lately I seem to be obsessing on a much larger scale than normal. I haven't posted in a few days, but I haven't been gone,as some of you know I have still been posting comments. I am here now trying to "break" my obsession before fiance and roommate get home. The last few days have been filled with it. I have been online all day and gotten sucked into the internet. I keep telling myself I am going to stop, do some art, take a nap, but as soon as I know it it's been 12 hours and I can't come back. I have been obsessed with a couple people who make vlogs, particularily one person, whom I don't even know, to the point where I sit and watch their video's, sometimes up to 100 in a row, sometimes the same ones over and over. They aren't even about anything relative to me, I gain nothing constructive from it, learn nothing from it. Today my obsession was with my mental illness, my borderline personality disorder, as it started. Which I think is ok to research. The best way to combat an mental illness is to first research and study yourself in it. But then I begin to see correlations with other things and it turns into a whole hypochondriac type thing. I was pretty sure at one point today that I am Schizophrenic. Some days its' art. I start to work on my art and physically cannot stop, even if I want to I can't get my mind off it and walk away. Some days I obsess about sitting on the couch, in my spot, to the point where I almost can't physically move if I tried, having to go to the bathroom so bad it hurt before I eventually removed myself. Yesterday a guy from the gas company showed up at the door, I saw him through the window while I was sitting at the computer desk and the dogs started barking. He stood there forever as I tried to hide in the corner and I was worried he was trying to get me or hurt me and I hid underneath the computer desk like a frightened child until he left, and even then for awhile after. I am so afraid of other people I am confined to my house but dying of being alone. I don't know what to do anymore. It's so hard living inside this head I can't even understand. The weirdest thing is if nobody had ever told me this behaviour was bad I may not even concentrate on it. I don't even know if I make sense anymore. All I know is this is the first time I have been able to "unlock" myself of my own free will, knowing that I need to stop and applying the measures to do so. I feel like I have symptoms that don't even exist to any disease and I talk about it and everyone says "oh that's normal" but to me those are the things that are "psycho". It just doesn't make sense. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I got the feeling that Dr. R. doesn't really want to help me, none of them do, thats why I wasn't on the waiting list for a therapist even though I went through everything proper and have been waiting 7 months. I was totally honest with my doctor and she totally brushed me off as a drunk/addict, which btw I have never been accused of before, even by my last psychiatrist who knew about my drinking and smoking weed but she felt it was under control and not an issue. The new doctor thinks I should go to AADAC. I admit my drinking has become more so, and not for the right reasons but fuck I am telling you my symptoms and whats happening and it's getting blamed on my actions? Believe me I have been sober MANY a day and still had to deal with my mind melt overload. Nobody wants to help me. I am going to die out here. 7 months with nobody to even talk to or review meds and I am waiting again, how long this time? I think they want me to give up so they can deal with other people who are easier. I told my doctor I am hearing voices, not really but kind of. It's like there is a radio in my head and it's on a boring talk radio station, but ti's muffled. I can hear that people are talking but not what they're saying. It mostly happens at night and sometimes it's so annoying I become distracted. First she blamed this on drug and alcohol use then she said it's because of my Seroquel, that I am overdosing on it, well wtf? What is it? How can someone help me if they don't even listen to me! And there is nowhere else to go, there is nobody else here to talk to. I'm so afraid that one day I will give up every last shred of hope I am clinging onto and realize I can't be cured and nobody can help me and have nothing left to live for. I hate myself so much sometimes I just want to kick my own ass and beat some sense into me. I no longer have any confidence or self esteem. I don't deserve treatment I guess.

Valentines Day, Psych Visit

Well I went to my first appointment with my psychiatrist Dr. R. yesterday, Happy V-DAY to me! Uck. My fiance took the day off school to take me in case I was really upset after. It went okay, she was really nice and had this adorable British accent and long blond hair and lots of her kids artwork all over the wall. She was really upfront with me telling me that because we are in a rural area and she is the only psychiatrist who can prescribe meds in the area that I will mostly be seeing her just for that, every 4-6 weeks. She said I should be on a waiting list for a therapist I can see 1-2 times a week and call if I am in crisis. But when she went to look, nobody had put me on the waiting list. 7 months I've been waiting but she put me on the list and said they should call in a few weeks. She also wants me to go to a program called PACE that runs here, which is for survivors of sexual and physical abuse. Also she wants me to go to ADAC, alcohol and drug addiction counselling. I pretty much told her I have been smoking marijuana for 15 years give or take and I'm most likely not going to quit, it has become a part of my lifestyle and I'm not ready to let it go. But she wants me to go mainly for my drinking. She said not that I have to quit and say I'm an alcoholic, which I don't believe I am. But i can admit that I use alcohol as a coping mechanism so I have to learn not to do that or I will be looking at my alcohol turning into a big problem. But they are just suggestions, I am not required to go to either of these but I think I will, if she suggested she must feel like it will be helpful. Also upon reviewing my meds and symptoms, she believes I am basically overdosing on Seroquel and wants to bring me down off it, which I am also happy about. I have been experiencing extreme symptoms of Akathisia, which is basically extreme restlessness. If I sit in the same position for too long ti actually physically hurts so I am never comfortable, among other symptoms I've been having. Dr. R. is worried because I have been experiencing extreme sugar cravings and Seroquel can actually cause you to become diabetic over time. She is requesting to check my cholesterol, blood glucose levels, my liver and kidneys, etc.  I have to go to the lab and get some tests done. But she won't prescribe me anything for panic attacks. I just wanted some Ativan or something for when they strike, but she said it's not safe for em to have that much medication on hand, she was surprised that I only refill my prescriptions once a month and thinks I should pick them up only every two weeks, she said if I feel unsafe I can turn my pills in to the pharmacy and they will hold onto them for me. But as I explained that has never been a problem for me, I did a few overdoses on pills before and it doesn't get you anywhere except really sick. Besides the fact that my fiance often dispenses my pills to me so he knows what the levels are like and would notice if I was abusing my medication. She also hooked me up with an outreach program in case I feel like I am in crisis. It's not quite that comfortable for em to admit myself to the hospital because I work at the hospital and everyone knows me. SO while I was kind of upset that after all this time I am not even on the waiting list for a therapist and wont be seeing Dr. R very often but overall I guess it went ok.

After the appointment me and A. went out for breakfast to celebrate valentines day but that's about all we did. When I got home I finally called my boss, which I have been very nervous about. I can't go back to the other location. It's too long a drive, I don't like being that far away from home and I'm just not happy there. Instead of continuing to miss shifts and kill myself with worry I thought I had better just be honest. It was so hard for me to confront her. But I called and told her the truth and said I would rather stop now than them paying me to train me there if I have no intention of wanting to work there. So she was cool about it, she was glad I was honest. I am going to continue to work at the hospital in my home town then she is starting em training at the hospital in the next city over. But that's only a 15 minute drive as opposed to 45 minute commute to the other place. Overall I was quite happy with how the day went. Me and my fiance made love last night for the first time in a long time, I have been feeling very insecure lately. But it was amazing and I am so happy he hasn't given up on me. I thought I would never meet anyone who would be able to put up with my BS and still love me. Don't get me wrong, we have problems, both of us individually and together, but we are both seeking help and supporting each other. He's the first person in my life I ever felt like REALLY loved me unconditionally. Not many people know how to deal with a 31 year old with the emotional maturity of a child.

As it seems I am very pleased with things I am still very depressed. I was looking forward to laying on the couch and snuggling with my pets and surfing the net, blogging, doing some art- my usual routine. But there was 20cm of snow last night and my fiance and roommate weren't able to get there today. They are sitting here intruding on my day. So I actually have to so stuff and pretend like I'm not totally useless. Pretend

Isolation Addict

I'm sitting here thinking that I secretly manipulated my way into getting what I want and I am still not happy. All weekend I have been dreading work on Monday. I have been sick with tonsillitis and ear infections and missed two evening shifts last week. I have been convincing myself that I don't like my job at this new location, I work a casual position that allows me to work between different locations. This new one is a 40 minute commute which can be scary for me to be that far away from home and I get scared that I will have an anxiety attack and have to drive all the way home. Well I didn't go again today, I have told myself I am still sick, I kind of am. But even not wanting to go back makes no sense, I only actually worked at this location for one day and I had felt like it was a good day at the time. So now I am sitting at home, just what I wanted, but I feel guilty.
So I called my work and called my big boss and they had no concern. I work as a casual so they didn't actually have to replace me, it was just training shifts for the new location. And they told me just to get better and we will reschedule those shifts, so I'm not really out any money. I just need to get the courage to actually go to work. I feel like such a screw up.
I've been feeling really depressed lately. I've consumed alcohol in excess almost every day for the last week. In fact I am already drinking and it's not even 10 am. My fiance keeps buying me booze to keep me happy. Oddly it does quite calm me. I normally do not drink to this extreme. I drink a fair amount, socially. But it's not been a habit of mine to drink during the day or by myself as it has been of late. I don't think I have a problem but I think if it continues I am in danger of it becoming a problem. It's all I can do to make my pain go away though. I have been tranquilizing myself with Seroquel and other medications and it's become that that's not enough to get me through the day.
I have been isolating myself at home for quite awhile now. It's to the point that I think it is hindering me in my daily life. Usually I go 2-3 days at a time f no contact with the outside world then I have to go get stuff done. But lately my isolation's have been climbing up to 4-5 days at a time. And it extends even further to avoiding my family and friends. It really hit me the other day when my best friend text me and said she feels like I am mad at her or don't want to talk to her anymore because every time she calls or texts I never respond. She is totally right. I told her I'm sorry, she's the only girlfriend I do have still. I apologized and explained what's been going on. I made time for a long chat with her that night and it made me feel better and her too. I didn't even have an excuse, I told her I've been terrible and she doesn't deserve that, she is such a good friend to me. I guess that's why she understands and can accept my idiosyncrasies.

What's the Point of My Blog?

What is the point of my blog? The answer is, well I'm not quite sure anymore. It seems like I only blog when I am in crisis, or when I am feeling OK I only blog out of guilt that I haven't written. Or the fact that I don't want to be too depressing to anyone who actually reads this rubbish. I am not a talented writer so I am sure most of my posts are very uninteresting to most. The posts I write when I am miserable, anxiety ridden or even suicidal are the only posts that actually have any true meaning. I don't even feel like a real person when I'm not in crisis. I have become so familiar with pain and mental illness it almost seems to define me. Any other time I write I feel like a total fake. Don't get me wrong, I don't lie about anything on here, there is no need to. I just don't really know who I am when I'm not depressed. But to look back on only a deep black hole of my life and see nothing bright and shiny can actually cause me to have a panic attack, because as much as I feel I am defined by depression, mental illness, BPD- I don't want to be.
I have reasoned that I should still write as maybe one day I will be able to see some sort of pattern or improvement in myself but right now it's just nauseating. I have also reasoned that I should write for personal therapy, as I am still waiting to meet my new psychiatrist since I moved up to rural butt fuck nowhere (6 months down and one month to go) so it helps me get my feelings out in a way. Ir does seem unreasonable to me that I have had to wait this long. Before I moved here I was  hospitalize din the psych ward, went to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, was registered into Dialectical Behaviour Therapy but quit, was having one to two visits with my psychiatrist a week and not working, still in a very tender state. It feels to me like everyone just wanted to get rid of me, pass me off, because there is no way someone of my mental health should have been left unattended for seven months. I have had several instances of extreme use of drugs and alcohol, self-harm and suicidal ideations. I have to tranquilize myself with medications to keep going. On top of that I am trying to hold up a job, a relationship, and my sanity.
So what is the point of this blog? Nothing. I guess it eats up some of my time and distracts me momentarily, is that considered a coping mechanism? However sometimes reading my blog can trigger me too. I try not to read it too much, I try to wait until down the road when maybe I can start recognizing some things from what I write, but sometimes it's just easier to wallow in self misery.
In fact the best thing about this blog is my reading list, I love reading everyone elses blogs, feeling like I can relate to someone, but I have trouble humanizing other people too. I know there are a few of you who do read this, and I thank you (namely Sairs- thanks for your comments and support, you are lovely!) because I guess that is partially why I keep going.
I am wondering if I should share this blog with my psychiatrist? I know some of you have done so, I wonder if it is beneficial for therapy or just something my psychiatrist will use against me in some way. (Maybe that's paranoia). Anyways, I am going to post a poll and if anyone reads this could you please give me some insight on this matter either by poll or comments, then I shall decide the fate of Borderline Ballistic.

Desperately Seeking Sedation

I'm so very confused. Everything has turned full circle. I forgave A. right before our roommate came home from Christmas holidays. I don't know if I really forgave him or I just don't want to be looked down on, or feel like a failure. I was laying in bed last night and all I could think about is that nothing has really changed. I feel different now. It's little things, like I don't tell him I love him all the time like I used too, and when he says it I sometimes feel uncomfortable about saying it. I still don't trust him at all, and it will be a long time until I can, if I ever can. I feel like I sold out. But like I told him, I'm just not good at being alone.
I have no friends here, not one. I have no one to talk to, not even a psychiatrist. I've been waiting so long. I've been through nothing but bouts of heavy drinking, drugs, intense arguments, self harm, suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety and nothing helps. It's been a long time since my medications were adjusted so maybe that's something that will help. But in the meantime I just have to wait it out? I have such extreme anxiety sometimes I get physically sick and vomit and feel like I'm having a heart attack and can't breathe. I have to take so much Seroquel to calm me down that it knocks me out. I asked my G.P., Dr. D, to prescribe me some Ativan or something just for those instances of stress but he said he doesn't think I should be taking anymore medication orally until I see my psychiatrist, which I explained to him is forever and a days wait- and he didn't even give me alternate advise for the time being. It's not like I have a sinus cold or something, this is a serious matter and nobody will help me. He could've called and tried to get me in sooner. I think because I work with him at the hospital and he sees me there he thinks I must be fine if I am functioning and keeping a job. But my job is only casual, I don't work all that many hours and when I do I just suck it up and wear long sleeves to cover injuries and smile my shift away. I think he is a non-believer of the BPD thing. He probably thinks I am faking. Not even knowing I will be able to see the psychiatrist in a little over a month makes me feel better. I know I need to go sooner. Today is the walk in clinic at the mental health clinic. Again. I've been debating going for over a month, it's only on Thursdays so there's a limited window of time to decide. I usually don't go because I make excuses not to. For example, if I go today it's only meant to be a one time service and what if I need it more the next time. Or, If I go in and tell them everything I've been doing they will lock me up as an inpatient and I will lose my job. Or, I don't deserve to be helped, I should just put myself out of my misery so nobody has to deal with me anymore. Or, why bother.... they have my file, they know what my situation is and they have let me go for seven months unattended, they don't really care about helping me. So as you can see these thoughts have become very consuming and I don't want to ruin things before I even start. Another part of me thinks if they meet me now they wont want to deal with me anyway.
In some ways my blog has been really good but in some ways it's been bad. I feel like airing my grievances sometimes clears them up or gives them less importance in my mind, which is good. But at other times I feel totally rejected and abandoned because everyone else gets comments and has followers and I feel like I'm just not good enough at this. It's not even like I did this for attention, I just was really looking for someone to agree with me, tell me I'm not so crazy and they feel the same. I need someone to confide in and be friends with. I know I'm just new and it didn't happen overnight for anyone else. I guess I am a sucker for immediate gratification. I was thinking of changing the name of my blog and starting over but I'm not going to. That would just be so typical of me to quit something before I even start.

Christmas Was Saved, Just on Time for Me to Ruin it!

It was December 23rd and I was sitting around feeling sorry for myself because my family doesn't love me enough to want me around during the holidays. Then A. suggested we have Christmas anyways, by ourselves, between us and the two dogs and two cats how many more people do we need right? So the next morning (Christmas Eve) we did everything. We got up early and went shopping for presents, decorations, junk food, stocking stuffers, Christmas dinner and among other things, a tree! When we got it all home we realized the tree was not green with silver tinsel on it, but rather it was entirely made of silver tinsel- truly a disco Christmas! We decided to keep it because it is kind of odd and funny looking but still cute. We decorated and pigged out all night. Then I had to go to work for 4 hours in the evening. When I got back A. had a Christmas feast prepared, a stuffed roasting chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy and vegetables- the works. We pigged out and watched holiday movies all night. We stayed up until midnight to open one present each and decided to open the ones my parents had sent because neither of us could choose which one to give each other first. It was really happy and we went to bed for a nice long sleep.

I woke up in the morning and arranged all of the stocking things, our stuff and all the toys and treats for the pets. We got up and opened presents then continued to pig out all day on junk food and leftovers so we didn't have to cook. We even had a paper plate set so we didn't even have to do dishes. Talk about preparing for laziness. It was really fun.

And then I happened......

I guess with all the rush and bustle of our last minute Christmas I was able to push some things aside and pretend. It was boxing day. I guess what I failed to mention in my last post was that the whole argument between me and A. was actually resulting almost exclusively from his actions. He has a problem, a big one. This is not one of my BPD catastrophizing and blowing everything up. It is a big deal. I guess it's not fair for me to say anything about the problem, except that it's a habit. A filthy habit that has gotten out of control and I can't take it anymore. He has quit doing other things with great ease but when it comes to something like our relationship he just doesn't seem to care. He says he loves me and he's sorry. But I have heard it so many times before it makes me feel stupid to believe it again. The difference between me and him is that I know I have a problem, I have a mental illness and it affects me daily. But I am trying, I search for resources to educate me and I search for help. I know I'm a god-damned mess most of the time but at least I try. I don't lie about. I hate being lied to. I told him that from day one and he has done nothing but consistently sneak around and lie right to my face. It's humiliating. I can't even tell anyone about it because they will judge him. Rather I let them judge me for being so angry at him all the time for apparently no reason. I look like the jerk. Because I am a sucker for punishment and I know I will continue to put up with it so I try not to paint him the wrong way or my people will try and split us up and then I will be alone. I am alone right now anyways. I told him I want to take a break. We're not really discussing it with anyone, but I am not wearing his ring and I kicked him out of the bedroom for awhile. I need my own space to decide what to do, and the last thing I want is to be physically intimate with him. I love him but he makes my skin crawl, does that make sense? I need someone who makes me feel special, not suicidal. My anxiety is through the roof and I can't wait until New Years Eve because I am going to get so shit-bomb hammered I forget the whole damn year!

I Had A Bad Day Again

Yesterday was a bad day, excruciating. It started out fine. I went to work. My fiance finally sold his poopy truck which is going to bankrupt us just trying to keep fuel in it. We have money again. But then I got home and I started drinking ALOT of alcohol. Then all my feelings just started pouring out of me like word vomit. It resulted in me flying into an extreme rage attack. I slapped my fiance accross the face, gave him his ring back and told him to get out. Then I locked myself in the bathroom and started cutting up my wrist real bad with a razor. I had absolutely no control over myself. He knows to be alarmed when I lock myself in the bathroom when I'm upset so he picked the lock and found me. And after I was such a monster to him he held me and got me through the night. I know he loves me, but I'm so afraid that one of these days love won't be enough. He's going to get sick of my violent rage and crazy antics and he's going to leave me. I think about it all the time.
During this whole event which lasted throughout the night I had texted my dad some very disconcerting text messages. So he's all in a tizzy today trying to pretend like he cares, but when I talked to him he said:
1.) He has been reading about my disorder.(Wow-you have the internet, big fucking deal. I guess you're an expert now.)
2.) That many people go their whole life without being diagnosed and wonder why they're different but never get treatment. Just like many people have ADHD and go undiagnosed and wonder why they can't concentrate or get organized. (Yeah, it's just like that. Except people with ADHD dont typically try to hurt/kill themselves because they are consumed by their symptoms.)
And to top it all off he said:
3.) If you really wanted to kill yourself you would have done it by now. Obviously something is holding you back.
Maybe it's just me, but WHAT THE FUCK? Who says that? It felt like he was trying to hurt me not help me. And for the record the first time I attempted suicide I didn't know what I was doing and just ended up making myself violently ill with a pill overdose, and the second time I got caught and taken to emergency because my fiance came home early and unannounced. My dad says I should get a hobby like making jewelry or painting. Cuz that'll make it all go away, what a cure! My family is fucking retarded and I pretty much hate them all. Keep in mind, my mother is diagnosed with severe depression and takes a cocktail of pills herself. And she tried to commit suicide when I was 13 and I had to witness her illness take form. But it's not allowed for me to be depressed, and especially not BPD. They are like scared of me now and pretty much refuse to acknowledge my mental illness.They have successfully ruined my day, my Christmas and my life. And they hate me but refuse to admit it.
Last year at Christmas I was super depressed, not yet diagnosed or on medication. I travelled home for Christmas and my brother called me a walking sob story and told me it was my own fault that my cat died because I am useless. (My cat Meowy-RIP- died December 3, 2009. My now fiance and I had just moved in together a few days prior, and I came home one night to find Meowy dead at the bottom of the stairs, poisoned by some rat poison he found in the crawl space.) It was horrible. It went on and on, a verbal lashing all directed at me, and nobody said a damn thing! NOBODY protected me. I started packing and was going to drive the 8 hours home right then but was faced with the blame of "causing a scene" and "ruining Christmas". This year I wasn't invited back. My dad said it's because I'm further away now which is true, we moved to the country and now it would be a 14 hour drive. But whatever, he got me home every year when I moved away or was off at school and now they don't want me anymore because nobody knows how to deal with me. Now that my brother and his gf moved back there, they can have their happily little family get-together and not be interrupted by my drama. And I don't even care. I have talked to my brother only a handful of times in the last year mainly at family functions, the ones I'm invited to (Funerals for the most part), so it would be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone else, and extremelly painful and emotionally damaging to me at the same time. I used to love Christmas, the food, the tree and decorations, the music and I don't even have any of that this year. The single decoration I put out is a snowglobe with a silver base and one lonely silver tree with white snow. It's quite simple but also kind of harsh looking- it seemed fitting.
I;m thinking I will go to the Mental Health Clinic tomorrow and show them what I've done and maybe they can get me in to see Dr.R sooner than February because obviously I am spinning wildly out of control again and that I need someone to talk to, I need my psychiatrist. If I don't post for awhile it's because they locked me up and I will be in there scratching my way up the walls trying to escape the mayhem!

Begging For Treatment

I don't really know what to do with myself at this point. I feel like I have been diagnosed and "treated" for the last year for BPD among other things and I am left helpless, hopeless and confused. I can now see the many of the things I have done, or still currently do, my behaviors, my emotions are extremely unregulated and all I am left with is a visible picture of the path of destruction that I have created for myself. Where does that leave me? I thought everything was starting to go well for me. I got engaged to the most fantastic, understanding , loving man I have ever met. We moved away from a big city of over a million population to a rural town of about 2000 people. My fiance is going to school to get an education and advance his career to make our life better. We came from a life of hiding from the law and living with personal demons. We seemed to break free into this slower paced down to earth community but I feel more alone than ever. I miss my psychiatrist, Dr. J and feel somewhat abandoned by her. I have been left unattended from therapy for what will be 7 months by the time I get in to see my new psychiatrist, Dr. R. Who knows if I will even like her, or trust her, but in a community of this size she is really my only option. I have been in crisis for several months now. I have a hard time talking to my fiance, A. because I feel like he won't understand or he will realize how frenzied I really am and he will leave. I try to put on a happy face for his benefit but then I just feel like I am acting, so my depression doesn't engulf everyone around me. I always feel like I am acting, like I just change my personality and demeanor to adjust to whoever it is around me, to be socially acceptable. I've done it so long I don't even know who I am anymore, or who I ever was, or if |I'm even a real person. I want to figure out who I am but every time I venture on that quest I seem to be disappointed in what I find. I have been very depressed and anxious lately. I have been taking heavy doses of Seroquel, as well as Celexa and Wellbutrin. I have been on this cocktail for about a year now. Usually it works fine for me except I have alot of anxiety attacks that don't seem to be curbed by this medication. As of recent I have been resorting to binge drinking and drugs to help me deal but I know I just really need to talk to someone. Nobody questions my drinking because when I am drunk I am very pleasant and happy with no cause for alarm. But usually when I drink I don`t take my meds because I know it is dangerous to drink alcohol with some of the medications I take. I like the feeling, I feel like I am my true self again when I drink, and I encourage myself to slip into my own depths. I feel safe and comforted in my depression, however the drinking often makes me irrational and I am more prone to self harm if I am triggered when I am intoxicated. I am worried about this because I know it is still two more months before I see Dr. R. and my regression seems to be exceeding at an alarming rate. My two previous unsuccessful suicide attempts were in February and it`s getting close to that time. I am worried I won`t be able to control myself. I have spoken to Dr.D, my general practitioner about it but since I am already on the waiting list at the mental health clinic nobody seems alarmed. There is a walk-in clinic on Thursdays, one time only, at the mental health clinic. I think I will try to go next week. I have attempted but a few things get in my way. Firstly, I have been fired from every job I have worked at since I moved here. I just recently got a new job, with casual hours, in a health care facility. I am very anxious that someone living in this community will find out about me and I will lose my job or be judged. Also, since I know they only do the walk-in clinic as a one time use type of thing, I don`t want to waste it in case I get into a time of serious crisis more so than what I am in now. That said, I am usually quite erratic and uncontrollable when I am in serious crisis and doubt I would even be able to convince myself to go. I just wish I could get in sooner. I need some help. Most of my family and friends are gone, they have either deserted me or I have pushed them away. It`s hard for me to make and maintain friends because of my trust issues and my temper. Where can you go when all resources have failed you......