Begging For Treatment

I don't really know what to do with myself at this point. I feel like I have been diagnosed and "treated" for the last year for BPD among other things and I am left helpless, hopeless and confused. I can now see the many of the things I have done, or still currently do, my behaviors, my emotions are extremely unregulated and all I am left with is a visible picture of the path of destruction that I have created for myself. Where does that leave me? I thought everything was starting to go well for me. I got engaged to the most fantastic, understanding , loving man I have ever met. We moved away from a big city of over a million population to a rural town of about 2000 people. My fiance is going to school to get an education and advance his career to make our life better. We came from a life of hiding from the law and living with personal demons. We seemed to break free into this slower paced down to earth community but I feel more alone than ever. I miss my psychiatrist, Dr. J and feel somewhat abandoned by her. I have been left unattended from therapy for what will be 7 months by the time I get in to see my new psychiatrist, Dr. R. Who knows if I will even like her, or trust her, but in a community of this size she is really my only option. I have been in crisis for several months now. I have a hard time talking to my fiance, A. because I feel like he won't understand or he will realize how frenzied I really am and he will leave. I try to put on a happy face for his benefit but then I just feel like I am acting, so my depression doesn't engulf everyone around me. I always feel like I am acting, like I just change my personality and demeanor to adjust to whoever it is around me, to be socially acceptable. I've done it so long I don't even know who I am anymore, or who I ever was, or if |I'm even a real person. I want to figure out who I am but every time I venture on that quest I seem to be disappointed in what I find. I have been very depressed and anxious lately. I have been taking heavy doses of Seroquel, as well as Celexa and Wellbutrin. I have been on this cocktail for about a year now. Usually it works fine for me except I have alot of anxiety attacks that don't seem to be curbed by this medication. As of recent I have been resorting to binge drinking and drugs to help me deal but I know I just really need to talk to someone. Nobody questions my drinking because when I am drunk I am very pleasant and happy with no cause for alarm. But usually when I drink I don`t take my meds because I know it is dangerous to drink alcohol with some of the medications I take. I like the feeling, I feel like I am my true self again when I drink, and I encourage myself to slip into my own depths. I feel safe and comforted in my depression, however the drinking often makes me irrational and I am more prone to self harm if I am triggered when I am intoxicated. I am worried about this because I know it is still two more months before I see Dr. R. and my regression seems to be exceeding at an alarming rate. My two previous unsuccessful suicide attempts were in February and it`s getting close to that time. I am worried I won`t be able to control myself. I have spoken to Dr.D, my general practitioner about it but since I am already on the waiting list at the mental health clinic nobody seems alarmed. There is a walk-in clinic on Thursdays, one time only, at the mental health clinic. I think I will try to go next week. I have attempted but a few things get in my way. Firstly, I have been fired from every job I have worked at since I moved here. I just recently got a new job, with casual hours, in a health care facility. I am very anxious that someone living in this community will find out about me and I will lose my job or be judged. Also, since I know they only do the walk-in clinic as a one time use type of thing, I don`t want to waste it in case I get into a time of serious crisis more so than what I am in now. That said, I am usually quite erratic and uncontrollable when I am in serious crisis and doubt I would even be able to convince myself to go. I just wish I could get in sooner. I need some help. Most of my family and friends are gone, they have either deserted me or I have pushed them away. It`s hard for me to make and maintain friends because of my trust issues and my temper. Where can you go when all resources have failed you......