What's the Point of My Blog?

What is the point of my blog? The answer is, well I'm not quite sure anymore. It seems like I only blog when I am in crisis, or when I am feeling OK I only blog out of guilt that I haven't written. Or the fact that I don't want to be too depressing to anyone who actually reads this rubbish. I am not a talented writer so I am sure most of my posts are very uninteresting to most. The posts I write when I am miserable, anxiety ridden or even suicidal are the only posts that actually have any true meaning. I don't even feel like a real person when I'm not in crisis. I have become so familiar with pain and mental illness it almost seems to define me. Any other time I write I feel like a total fake. Don't get me wrong, I don't lie about anything on here, there is no need to. I just don't really know who I am when I'm not depressed. But to look back on only a deep black hole of my life and see nothing bright and shiny can actually cause me to have a panic attack, because as much as I feel I am defined by depression, mental illness, BPD- I don't want to be.
I have reasoned that I should still write as maybe one day I will be able to see some sort of pattern or improvement in myself but right now it's just nauseating. I have also reasoned that I should write for personal therapy, as I am still waiting to meet my new psychiatrist since I moved up to rural butt fuck nowhere (6 months down and one month to go) so it helps me get my feelings out in a way. Ir does seem unreasonable to me that I have had to wait this long. Before I moved here I was  hospitalize din the psych ward, went to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, was registered into Dialectical Behaviour Therapy but quit, was having one to two visits with my psychiatrist a week and not working, still in a very tender state. It feels to me like everyone just wanted to get rid of me, pass me off, because there is no way someone of my mental health should have been left unattended for seven months. I have had several instances of extreme use of drugs and alcohol, self-harm and suicidal ideations. I have to tranquilize myself with medications to keep going. On top of that I am trying to hold up a job, a relationship, and my sanity.
So what is the point of this blog? Nothing. I guess it eats up some of my time and distracts me momentarily, is that considered a coping mechanism? However sometimes reading my blog can trigger me too. I try not to read it too much, I try to wait until down the road when maybe I can start recognizing some things from what I write, but sometimes it's just easier to wallow in self misery.
In fact the best thing about this blog is my reading list, I love reading everyone elses blogs, feeling like I can relate to someone, but I have trouble humanizing other people too. I know there are a few of you who do read this, and I thank you (namely Sairs- thanks for your comments and support, you are lovely!) because I guess that is partially why I keep going.
I am wondering if I should share this blog with my psychiatrist? I know some of you have done so, I wonder if it is beneficial for therapy or just something my psychiatrist will use against me in some way. (Maybe that's paranoia). Anyways, I am going to post a poll and if anyone reads this could you please give me some insight on this matter either by poll or comments, then I shall decide the fate of Borderline Ballistic.

Desperately Seeking Sedation

I'm so very confused. Everything has turned full circle. I forgave A. right before our roommate came home from Christmas holidays. I don't know if I really forgave him or I just don't want to be looked down on, or feel like a failure. I was laying in bed last night and all I could think about is that nothing has really changed. I feel different now. It's little things, like I don't tell him I love him all the time like I used too, and when he says it I sometimes feel uncomfortable about saying it. I still don't trust him at all, and it will be a long time until I can, if I ever can. I feel like I sold out. But like I told him, I'm just not good at being alone.
I have no friends here, not one. I have no one to talk to, not even a psychiatrist. I've been waiting so long. I've been through nothing but bouts of heavy drinking, drugs, intense arguments, self harm, suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety and nothing helps. It's been a long time since my medications were adjusted so maybe that's something that will help. But in the meantime I just have to wait it out? I have such extreme anxiety sometimes I get physically sick and vomit and feel like I'm having a heart attack and can't breathe. I have to take so much Seroquel to calm me down that it knocks me out. I asked my G.P., Dr. D, to prescribe me some Ativan or something just for those instances of stress but he said he doesn't think I should be taking anymore medication orally until I see my psychiatrist, which I explained to him is forever and a days wait- and he didn't even give me alternate advise for the time being. It's not like I have a sinus cold or something, this is a serious matter and nobody will help me. He could've called and tried to get me in sooner. I think because I work with him at the hospital and he sees me there he thinks I must be fine if I am functioning and keeping a job. But my job is only casual, I don't work all that many hours and when I do I just suck it up and wear long sleeves to cover injuries and smile my shift away. I think he is a non-believer of the BPD thing. He probably thinks I am faking. Not even knowing I will be able to see the psychiatrist in a little over a month makes me feel better. I know I need to go sooner. Today is the walk in clinic at the mental health clinic. Again. I've been debating going for over a month, it's only on Thursdays so there's a limited window of time to decide. I usually don't go because I make excuses not to. For example, if I go today it's only meant to be a one time service and what if I need it more the next time. Or, If I go in and tell them everything I've been doing they will lock me up as an inpatient and I will lose my job. Or, I don't deserve to be helped, I should just put myself out of my misery so nobody has to deal with me anymore. Or, why bother.... they have my file, they know what my situation is and they have let me go for seven months unattended, they don't really care about helping me. So as you can see these thoughts have become very consuming and I don't want to ruin things before I even start. Another part of me thinks if they meet me now they wont want to deal with me anyway.
In some ways my blog has been really good but in some ways it's been bad. I feel like airing my grievances sometimes clears them up or gives them less importance in my mind, which is good. But at other times I feel totally rejected and abandoned because everyone else gets comments and has followers and I feel like I'm just not good enough at this. It's not even like I did this for attention, I just was really looking for someone to agree with me, tell me I'm not so crazy and they feel the same. I need someone to confide in and be friends with. I know I'm just new and it didn't happen overnight for anyone else. I guess I am a sucker for immediate gratification. I was thinking of changing the name of my blog and starting over but I'm not going to. That would just be so typical of me to quit something before I even start.