I'm so very confused. Everything has turned full circle. I forgave A. right before our roommate came home from Christmas holidays. I don't know if I really forgave him or I just don't want to be looked down on, or feel like a failure. I was laying in bed last night and all I could think about is that nothing has really changed. I feel different now. It's little things, like I don't tell him I love him all the time like I used too, and when he says it I sometimes feel uncomfortable about saying it. I still don't trust him at all, and it will be a long time until I can, if I ever can. I feel like I sold out. But like I told him, I'm just not good at being alone.
I have no friends here, not one. I have no one to talk to, not even a psychiatrist. I've been waiting so long. I've been through nothing but bouts of heavy drinking, drugs, intense arguments, self harm, suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety and nothing helps. It's been a long time since my medications were adjusted so maybe that's something that will help. But in the meantime I just have to wait it out? I have such extreme anxiety sometimes I get physically sick and vomit and feel like I'm having a heart attack and can't breathe. I have to take so much Seroquel to calm me down that it knocks me out. I asked my G.P., Dr. D, to prescribe me some Ativan or something just for those instances of stress but he said he doesn't think I should be taking anymore medication orally until I see my psychiatrist, which I explained to him is forever and a days wait- and he didn't even give me alternate advise for the time being. It's not like I have a sinus cold or something, this is a serious matter and nobody will help me. He could've called and tried to get me in sooner. I think because I work with him at the hospital and he sees me there he thinks I must be fine if I am functioning and keeping a job. But my job is only casual, I don't work all that many hours and when I do I just suck it up and wear long sleeves to cover injuries and smile my shift away. I think he is a non-believer of the BPD thing. He probably thinks I am faking. Not even knowing I will be able to see the psychiatrist in a little over a month makes me feel better. I know I need to go sooner. Today is the walk in clinic at the mental health clinic. Again. I've been debating going for over a month, it's only on Thursdays so there's a limited window of time to decide. I usually don't go because I make excuses not to. For example, if I go today it's only meant to be a one time service and what if I need it more the next time. Or, If I go in and tell them everything I've been doing they will lock me up as an inpatient and I will lose my job. Or, I don't deserve to be helped, I should just put myself out of my misery so nobody has to deal with me anymore. Or, why bother.... they have my file, they know what my situation is and they have let me go for seven months unattended, they don't really care about helping me. So as you can see these thoughts have become very consuming and I don't want to ruin things before I even start. Another part of me thinks if they meet me now they wont want to deal with me anyway.
In some ways my blog has been really good but in some ways it's been bad. I feel like airing my grievances sometimes clears them up or gives them less importance in my mind, which is good. But at other times I feel totally rejected and abandoned because everyone else gets comments and has followers and I feel like I'm just not good enough at this. It's not even like I did this for attention, I just was really looking for someone to agree with me, tell me I'm not so crazy and they feel the same. I need someone to confide in and be friends with. I know I'm just new and it didn't happen overnight for anyone else. I guess I am a sucker for immediate gratification. I was thinking of changing the name of my blog and starting over but I'm not going to. That would just be so typical of me to quit something before I even start.
No comments:
Post a Comment