It is my third day in a row of doing nothing. I haven't even gone outside, and I love it. My neighbours must think I'm a zombie because every time they pull in or out of their driveway they can see me sitting in the same spot. I've been taking my regular meds Celexa, Wellbutrin, Seroquel as well as Nasonex nose spray and Robaxacet plus whatever other (sugar, caffeine, weed) stimulants I can find to keep numb. I just have absolutely no desire to do anything. I just sit around and wait until I can write on my blog, even though it doesn't really matter. Whether I wrote five times a day or five times a year I don't think anyone would notice.
I'm supposed to go to the city this weekend because I have an appointment with an ear specialist regarding my deaf left ear which has had several surgeries and causes me nothing but problems and pain. I have been waiting over a year for this appointment and they have rescheduled me twice. But now that it's here I have been desperately hoping they would cancel again because I am very anxious about seeing my friends and A.'s family right now. When I don't feel "quite right" I am usually absolutely convinced it's written right across my forehead in permanent marker so it makes me anxious to be around them. Is it still considered social anxiety if you have panic attacks when you're around close friends and family?
So I am sitting here waiting for a call from my boss. They are moving me to a different hospital to train. I applied for one position which is more hours than now but not full time, it's about 65% of full time, then I can work casual at the other hospitals too. I don't know why I applied for this job when I could have just been thrown around for training everywhere, which would be significantly less work. Aside from the fact that the job I applied for is a 40 minute commute, as opposed to a 5 minute or 15 minute drive at the other jobs. And to be quite honest I don't want to work more. I am struggling as it is to just get out of bed and get showered by noon most days, and leaving the house is a totally different situation that I need to prepare myself for. It's so depressing. A. is always telling me relax, don't do anything. However, two weeks ago we had almost $8,000.00 in the bank because he finally sold his craptastic truck and now it's mostly gone. We have less than $1,000.00. So that money plus the $4,000.00 he gets from student loans could have gotten us through the whole rest of his school term but now we need to scrimp and save and I have to work more. I'm not trying to sound selfish. It's just totally irresponsible that all that savings is gone. I know I'm bad with money, because of my impulse shopping sprees and whatnot but I was being really good this time and I had no idea because I have been locked out of online banking for awhile too. We shouldn't have done Christmas, that's all. So now I'm waiting for my boss to call me and tell me when and where I go to work next, which will kind of determine how long we stay in the city for, I might not even be able to make it to that appointment if she wants me to start right away. I mostly only wanna go just to see my best friend and her kids, as well as A.'s family and his nephew. I don't even want to see other friends or even let them know I'm there. It's just too much. I feel like I am isolating myself alot lately but it's ok because I am geographically isolated from many of the people in my life anyways and I have no friends or anything where I am. I was even considering doing more work on the computer, in the digital world. Because then you aren't ever really responsible to anyone. In a way this blog is my best friend because I can say anything, it doesn't judge, it doesn't hurt. It's not going to call me names or make me feel bad about myself. (Although I try not to look at many of my past entries). So for the time being, if occupying one couch cushion and a computer chair make me feel a bit more relaxed and keep me from doing less constructive things then that's a bonus. Maybe once I get back to therapy I will have more ambition to be present in the real world. I feel like Borderline Personality Disorder has become me, I have become it. Everything I do is based on my BPD and I can see it clear as day. My cognitive behavioral therapy taught me to recognize my emotions and distortions, but I still don't have the skills to do anything about it. It's like my brain has been programmed to constantly remind me what a freak I am. Maybe I should have stayed in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy group, but one of the therapists I swear to god in heaven is an evil witch. She scared the muffins out of me. Oh yeah, and I let the anger get the best of me when I layed a verbal lashing this ignorant woman in group who was totally mean and offensive to everyone there and I felt like it wasn't a place that was going to be conducive to learning for me, or I would have gotten kicked out anyway so I quit. Now I wait.
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