HELP!

I don't know what to do. I know I haven't blogged in a long time but to put it lightly things haven't been going well, and it's gone from bad to worse. I saw my psychiatrist today for the second time and....well I FUCKING HATE HER! She has been of no use to me but everything ends up being my fault. I moved from the big city to a small town to reduce my stress among other reasons. I waited 7 months to see her only to do a lame med review, which she never even gave me a new Rx so I had to go to Emergency to get a refill on my antidepressants when I realized too late there were no refills at my pharmacy. So fine. Also at that appointment I was told that for some reason I wasn't on the waiting list for a therapist, despite my phone calls and inquisitions over those seven months as to when something may happen. I could have been seeing a therapist for the last 6 months. So I went back to my psychiatrist today. Not only was she very late getting me in which I understand, people fall behind. But I made the effort to go, after hours of fighting with myself not to call and cancel, and drove to a different town, and arrived 15 minutes early out of respect. So I wait in the waiting room for over a half hour and then I only ended up getting a 15 minute appointment, WTF? Not only did she not ask about my medications or give me a prescription, she didn't mention all the lab work I had to have done and spent ten minutes trying to figure out where I was on the waiting list only to tell me it will still be two weeks and she has no control over it. Well thanks for wasting my time. Then I explained to her that I was really feeling disappointed at the lack of help I am receiving. My emotions are out of control and I am having trouble with day to day life. Like not being able to get out of bed, of being so terribly fearful to leave my house that I am sometimes paralyzed by it, that my job is suffering and the hours I get are barely enough to pay for my medication, my fiance is in school, I have the weight of the world on my shoulders because everyone seems to think I am to blame because I don't make enough money to support us. She told me to get a job as a Walmart greeter, yeah someone who can barely leave the house and has extreme social anxiety. I am crushed by feelings of guilt, depression, anxiety, worthlessness and poor body image every day.
Do you know what she told me? She told me that although she knows the reasons I decided to move to a small town, and there is less help here. (My fault?)  SO what do I have to do to put myself on the list? Attempt suicide and be hospitalized? I think I got it down now, I had two unsuccessful attempts, I'm sure I could make another one and make it through. I am obviously not very good at it.
Then she told me I need to exercise to get rid of my anxiety, run up and down the stairs at my house,several times a day.. And then I will be fitter, she told me. Yeah thanks bitch, as if I didn't have enough concerns about my weight, and she knows that. So I guess it's push anorexia day today.
I booked back in for a month from now. However at the time I feel like she is only in it for the money and doesn't really want to help anyone. Her advice is totally bunk and makes me wonder where she got her liscence. My problem, there is noone else. I feel totally hopeless right now. I am getting progressively worse over this time, have become a total shut in, only leave the house about once a week and that's either for appointments or work. Everything is going down the drain and I can't get any help. 15 minutes once a month just doesn't do it for me. I know I am on the waiting list for a therapist but I kind of wonder...I mean, if the only psychiatrist is too busy to help and the therapists are taking on her patients, how busy are they? Are they going to be able to help. I can't move back to the city. It will eat me alive. But I have no hope anymore. I really just want to give up.
So here I am. Broke verging on homeless, ridden with suicidal thoughts and beginning stages of agoraphobia, along with my Borderline Personality Disorder, depression and anxiety. So I am told I shouldn't have moved to a small town, I should exercise obsessively(that's what it will become if I do that) and get a job in a public place where there are droves of people. Fuck off.
I don't know what to do.

Obsessing and Depressing

I don't know if any of you deal with obsessions but lately I seem to be obsessing on a much larger scale than normal. I haven't posted in a few days, but I haven't been gone,as some of you know I have still been posting comments. I am here now trying to "break" my obsession before fiance and roommate get home. The last few days have been filled with it. I have been online all day and gotten sucked into the internet. I keep telling myself I am going to stop, do some art, take a nap, but as soon as I know it it's been 12 hours and I can't come back. I have been obsessed with a couple people who make vlogs, particularily one person, whom I don't even know, to the point where I sit and watch their video's, sometimes up to 100 in a row, sometimes the same ones over and over. They aren't even about anything relative to me, I gain nothing constructive from it, learn nothing from it. Today my obsession was with my mental illness, my borderline personality disorder, as it started. Which I think is ok to research. The best way to combat an mental illness is to first research and study yourself in it. But then I begin to see correlations with other things and it turns into a whole hypochondriac type thing. I was pretty sure at one point today that I am Schizophrenic. Some days its' art. I start to work on my art and physically cannot stop, even if I want to I can't get my mind off it and walk away. Some days I obsess about sitting on the couch, in my spot, to the point where I almost can't physically move if I tried, having to go to the bathroom so bad it hurt before I eventually removed myself. Yesterday a guy from the gas company showed up at the door, I saw him through the window while I was sitting at the computer desk and the dogs started barking. He stood there forever as I tried to hide in the corner and I was worried he was trying to get me or hurt me and I hid underneath the computer desk like a frightened child until he left, and even then for awhile after. I am so afraid of other people I am confined to my house but dying of being alone. I don't know what to do anymore. It's so hard living inside this head I can't even understand. The weirdest thing is if nobody had ever told me this behaviour was bad I may not even concentrate on it. I don't even know if I make sense anymore. All I know is this is the first time I have been able to "unlock" myself of my own free will, knowing that I need to stop and applying the measures to do so. I feel like I have symptoms that don't even exist to any disease and I talk about it and everyone says "oh that's normal" but to me those are the things that are "psycho". It just doesn't make sense. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I got the feeling that Dr. R. doesn't really want to help me, none of them do, thats why I wasn't on the waiting list for a therapist even though I went through everything proper and have been waiting 7 months. I was totally honest with my doctor and she totally brushed me off as a drunk/addict, which btw I have never been accused of before, even by my last psychiatrist who knew about my drinking and smoking weed but she felt it was under control and not an issue. The new doctor thinks I should go to AADAC. I admit my drinking has become more so, and not for the right reasons but fuck I am telling you my symptoms and whats happening and it's getting blamed on my actions? Believe me I have been sober MANY a day and still had to deal with my mind melt overload. Nobody wants to help me. I am going to die out here. 7 months with nobody to even talk to or review meds and I am waiting again, how long this time? I think they want me to give up so they can deal with other people who are easier. I told my doctor I am hearing voices, not really but kind of. It's like there is a radio in my head and it's on a boring talk radio station, but ti's muffled. I can hear that people are talking but not what they're saying. It mostly happens at night and sometimes it's so annoying I become distracted. First she blamed this on drug and alcohol use then she said it's because of my Seroquel, that I am overdosing on it, well wtf? What is it? How can someone help me if they don't even listen to me! And there is nowhere else to go, there is nobody else here to talk to. I'm so afraid that one day I will give up every last shred of hope I am clinging onto and realize I can't be cured and nobody can help me and have nothing left to live for. I hate myself so much sometimes I just want to kick my own ass and beat some sense into me. I no longer have any confidence or self esteem. I don't deserve treatment I guess.