Well I went to my first appointment with my psychiatrist Dr. R. yesterday, Happy V-DAY to me! Uck. My fiance took the day off school to take me in case I was really upset after. It went okay, she was really nice and had this adorable British accent and long blond hair and lots of her kids artwork all over the wall. She was really upfront with me telling me that because we are in a rural area and she is the only psychiatrist who can prescribe meds in the area that I will mostly be seeing her just for that, every 4-6 weeks. She said I should be on a waiting list for a therapist I can see 1-2 times a week and call if I am in crisis. But when she went to look, nobody had put me on the waiting list. 7 months I've been waiting but she put me on the list and said they should call in a few weeks. She also wants me to go to a program called PACE that runs here, which is for survivors of sexual and physical abuse. Also she wants me to go to ADAC, alcohol and drug addiction counselling. I pretty much told her I have been smoking marijuana for 15 years give or take and I'm most likely not going to quit, it has become a part of my lifestyle and I'm not ready to let it go. But she wants me to go mainly for my drinking. She said not that I have to quit and say I'm an alcoholic, which I don't believe I am. But i can admit that I use alcohol as a coping mechanism so I have to learn not to do that or I will be looking at my alcohol turning into a big problem. But they are just suggestions, I am not required to go to either of these but I think I will, if she suggested she must feel like it will be helpful. Also upon reviewing my meds and symptoms, she believes I am basically overdosing on Seroquel and wants to bring me down off it, which I am also happy about. I have been experiencing extreme symptoms of Akathisia, which is basically extreme restlessness. If I sit in the same position for too long ti actually physically hurts so I am never comfortable, among other symptoms I've been having. Dr. R. is worried because I have been experiencing extreme sugar cravings and Seroquel can actually cause you to become diabetic over time. She is requesting to check my cholesterol, blood glucose levels, my liver and kidneys, etc. I have to go to the lab and get some tests done. But she won't prescribe me anything for panic attacks. I just wanted some Ativan or something for when they strike, but she said it's not safe for em to have that much medication on hand, she was surprised that I only refill my prescriptions once a month and thinks I should pick them up only every two weeks, she said if I feel unsafe I can turn my pills in to the pharmacy and they will hold onto them for me. But as I explained that has never been a problem for me, I did a few overdoses on pills before and it doesn't get you anywhere except really sick. Besides the fact that my fiance often dispenses my pills to me so he knows what the levels are like and would notice if I was abusing my medication. She also hooked me up with an outreach program in case I feel like I am in crisis. It's not quite that comfortable for em to admit myself to the hospital because I work at the hospital and everyone knows me. SO while I was kind of upset that after all this time I am not even on the waiting list for a therapist and wont be seeing Dr. R very often but overall I guess it went ok.
After the appointment me and A. went out for breakfast to celebrate valentines day but that's about all we did. When I got home I finally called my boss, which I have been very nervous about. I can't go back to the other location. It's too long a drive, I don't like being that far away from home and I'm just not happy there. Instead of continuing to miss shifts and kill myself with worry I thought I had better just be honest. It was so hard for me to confront her. But I called and told her the truth and said I would rather stop now than them paying me to train me there if I have no intention of wanting to work there. So she was cool about it, she was glad I was honest. I am going to continue to work at the hospital in my home town then she is starting em training at the hospital in the next city over. But that's only a 15 minute drive as opposed to 45 minute commute to the other place. Overall I was quite happy with how the day went. Me and my fiance made love last night for the first time in a long time, I have been feeling very insecure lately. But it was amazing and I am so happy he hasn't given up on me. I thought I would never meet anyone who would be able to put up with my BS and still love me. Don't get me wrong, we have problems, both of us individually and together, but we are both seeking help and supporting each other. He's the first person in my life I ever felt like REALLY loved me unconditionally. Not many people know how to deal with a 31 year old with the emotional maturity of a child.
As it seems I am very pleased with things I am still very depressed. I was looking forward to laying on the couch and snuggling with my pets and surfing the net, blogging, doing some art- my usual routine. But there was 20cm of snow last night and my fiance and roommate weren't able to get there today. They are sitting here intruding on my day. So I actually have to so stuff and pretend like I'm not totally useless. Pretend
Showing posts with label panic attacks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label panic attacks. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Isolation Addict
I'm sitting here thinking that I secretly manipulated my way into getting what I want and I am still not happy. All weekend I have been dreading work on Monday. I have been sick with tonsillitis and ear infections and missed two evening shifts last week. I have been convincing myself that I don't like my job at this new location, I work a casual position that allows me to work between different locations. This new one is a 40 minute commute which can be scary for me to be that far away from home and I get scared that I will have an anxiety attack and have to drive all the way home. Well I didn't go again today, I have told myself I am still sick, I kind of am. But even not wanting to go back makes no sense, I only actually worked at this location for one day and I had felt like it was a good day at the time. So now I am sitting at home, just what I wanted, but I feel guilty.
So I called my work and called my big boss and they had no concern. I work as a casual so they didn't actually have to replace me, it was just training shifts for the new location. And they told me just to get better and we will reschedule those shifts, so I'm not really out any money. I just need to get the courage to actually go to work. I feel like such a screw up.
I've been feeling really depressed lately. I've consumed alcohol in excess almost every day for the last week. In fact I am already drinking and it's not even 10 am. My fiance keeps buying me booze to keep me happy. Oddly it does quite calm me. I normally do not drink to this extreme. I drink a fair amount, socially. But it's not been a habit of mine to drink during the day or by myself as it has been of late. I don't think I have a problem but I think if it continues I am in danger of it becoming a problem. It's all I can do to make my pain go away though. I have been tranquilizing myself with Seroquel and other medications and it's become that that's not enough to get me through the day.
I have been isolating myself at home for quite awhile now. It's to the point that I think it is hindering me in my daily life. Usually I go 2-3 days at a time f no contact with the outside world then I have to go get stuff done. But lately my isolation's have been climbing up to 4-5 days at a time. And it extends even further to avoiding my family and friends. It really hit me the other day when my best friend text me and said she feels like I am mad at her or don't want to talk to her anymore because every time she calls or texts I never respond. She is totally right. I told her I'm sorry, she's the only girlfriend I do have still. I apologized and explained what's been going on. I made time for a long chat with her that night and it made me feel better and her too. I didn't even have an excuse, I told her I've been terrible and she doesn't deserve that, she is such a good friend to me. I guess that's why she understands and can accept my idiosyncrasies.
So I called my work and called my big boss and they had no concern. I work as a casual so they didn't actually have to replace me, it was just training shifts for the new location. And they told me just to get better and we will reschedule those shifts, so I'm not really out any money. I just need to get the courage to actually go to work. I feel like such a screw up.
I've been feeling really depressed lately. I've consumed alcohol in excess almost every day for the last week. In fact I am already drinking and it's not even 10 am. My fiance keeps buying me booze to keep me happy. Oddly it does quite calm me. I normally do not drink to this extreme. I drink a fair amount, socially. But it's not been a habit of mine to drink during the day or by myself as it has been of late. I don't think I have a problem but I think if it continues I am in danger of it becoming a problem. It's all I can do to make my pain go away though. I have been tranquilizing myself with Seroquel and other medications and it's become that that's not enough to get me through the day.
I have been isolating myself at home for quite awhile now. It's to the point that I think it is hindering me in my daily life. Usually I go 2-3 days at a time f no contact with the outside world then I have to go get stuff done. But lately my isolation's have been climbing up to 4-5 days at a time. And it extends even further to avoiding my family and friends. It really hit me the other day when my best friend text me and said she feels like I am mad at her or don't want to talk to her anymore because every time she calls or texts I never respond. She is totally right. I told her I'm sorry, she's the only girlfriend I do have still. I apologized and explained what's been going on. I made time for a long chat with her that night and it made me feel better and her too. I didn't even have an excuse, I told her I've been terrible and she doesn't deserve that, she is such a good friend to me. I guess that's why she understands and can accept my idiosyncrasies.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Up/Down
I haven't written a post in awhile. I've really been all over the place the last week or so. I went from excited about my new job to not wanting to go back. From feeling confident and upbeat to miserable. I got very close to having myself admitted twice in the last week. Other times I am euphoric and excitable. It's so confusing.
I started the week by working at my new job then didn't go the second day due to bad weather and the highway being closed. I started setting up my art studio which I haven't done since we moved her in December so my stuff was everywhere. That felt good. It was alot of work and it felt like an accomplishment. I started a few new art projects that I was really excited about and happy with. But I had to quit. In all the fun and excitement I hadn't realized I was out of some major supplies I needed. But when it came down to it I had been tucked away inside for a few days and not realized how comfortable I was with burrowing. Until I realized that I didn't have the courage to go outside and deal with people. I couldn't even make myself go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions because I was too afraid. This has become a pattern lately, so much so that my avoidance even stretched out to my blog.
My fiance ended up picking my Rx up for me. I still got plunged out into the world however when I got a really bad sore throat and had to go to Emergency. It ended up being tonsillitis and I feel like my head is going to fall off.
11 more days until my first visit with my new psychiatrist. This last seven months being unattended has been excruciating. The panic attacks have increased dramatically and my depression seems harder and harder to fight off each time I get sucked into it.
I started the week by working at my new job then didn't go the second day due to bad weather and the highway being closed. I started setting up my art studio which I haven't done since we moved her in December so my stuff was everywhere. That felt good. It was alot of work and it felt like an accomplishment. I started a few new art projects that I was really excited about and happy with. But I had to quit. In all the fun and excitement I hadn't realized I was out of some major supplies I needed. But when it came down to it I had been tucked away inside for a few days and not realized how comfortable I was with burrowing. Until I realized that I didn't have the courage to go outside and deal with people. I couldn't even make myself go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions because I was too afraid. This has become a pattern lately, so much so that my avoidance even stretched out to my blog.
My fiance ended up picking my Rx up for me. I still got plunged out into the world however when I got a really bad sore throat and had to go to Emergency. It ended up being tonsillitis and I feel like my head is going to fall off.
11 more days until my first visit with my new psychiatrist. This last seven months being unattended has been excruciating. The panic attacks have increased dramatically and my depression seems harder and harder to fight off each time I get sucked into it.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Birthday Blah!
Today is my fifth day in a row of total indoor seclusion. I managed to delay our trip to the city not by confident decision making, and by luck that the wrath of mother nature came down in full force here. We got a blizzard with over a foot of snow overnight with highway warnings not to travel. Sweet. But I don't want to miss my appointment with my hearing specialist so we are going to leave tomorrow and stay overnight, then go to my appointment and come back. A. will have to miss school (Did I mention through all of this I am trying to put my fiance through college?) but I won't go by myself. So I will have to take a break from my recent clutch of isolation.
Today is also my birthday. I turned 31. It makes no difference to me either way really. I already felt old and decrepit as it was. I got a present from my parents and a few phone calls and texts which made me feel good because I thought I would be totally forgotten. I spoke to mom and dad and my brother's girlfriend. My parents were over there for dinner, but my brother never made it to the phone, which is probably a good thing. It does kind of bug me though that my parents always hang out with them. I know that they all live in the same city and I don't but even when I did live there they never made that effort with me. I would have to beg and plead with my mom to go shopping or out for lunch or something mother/daughtery and she would break down only very few and far between requests. And it was never fun anyways. But she goes to dinner and movies with my brothers girlfriend? Hmmm.
Then there is the fact that I worry, obsess about, and fear this woman who isn't even my biological mother. My biological mother gave me up for adoption when I was born and I lived in an orphanage until my adoptive parents came for me I think about two months later, I'm not sure I would have to check my adoption records, but no matter. But today I always think about her, my birthday. I wonder if she's thinking of me? If she regrets giving me away or if she's happy she made the right decision? If she looks like me, thinks like me? I usually stop myself because I am not ready to even consider trying to look. I couldn't handle the devastation if I was rejected.
I FINALLY got my first paycheck from my job, payroll mix up left it delayed when I was supposed to get it at Christmas, so that was a nice little gift. But directly following that I got a letter from Canada Revenue Agency that I owe over $1,200 in back taxes because they were missing a T-4 from last year, which I told them at the time I was unable to obtain a T-4 from that employer so they should have done that but obviously didn't. So they basically cancel each other out. Just another kick in the ass from the government, thanks. Because that's what I need is more people to owe money that I don't have.
Other than that my day has mostly revolved around food. A. got up and made me banana chocolate chip buttermilk pancakes for breakfast, yummy! He did everything today, he cleaned and took care of me and let me take three naps. I've been really sedated the last few days. My stress has been out of control so I have been taking my full doses of Seroquel and then some and I am still having panic attacks. I'm so depressed lately I just have so many thoughts going through my brain I just want it to stop. The only way to do that lately seems sedation and sleep. On top of that my sciatic nerve in my spine has been really bothering me for the last few days so I have been taking muscle relaxants and analgesics on top of it all. So explains my urgency to nap. I wasn't awake long enough to eat anything for lunch, but A. is making taco's for dinner, scrumptulescent! Followed by some rich rich ice cream for desert! So while the whole day revolves around food it is all things I enjoy to eat so at least my tummy will be happy. That's a start.
Today is also my birthday. I turned 31. It makes no difference to me either way really. I already felt old and decrepit as it was. I got a present from my parents and a few phone calls and texts which made me feel good because I thought I would be totally forgotten. I spoke to mom and dad and my brother's girlfriend. My parents were over there for dinner, but my brother never made it to the phone, which is probably a good thing. It does kind of bug me though that my parents always hang out with them. I know that they all live in the same city and I don't but even when I did live there they never made that effort with me. I would have to beg and plead with my mom to go shopping or out for lunch or something mother/daughtery and she would break down only very few and far between requests. And it was never fun anyways. But she goes to dinner and movies with my brothers girlfriend? Hmmm.
Then there is the fact that I worry, obsess about, and fear this woman who isn't even my biological mother. My biological mother gave me up for adoption when I was born and I lived in an orphanage until my adoptive parents came for me I think about two months later, I'm not sure I would have to check my adoption records, but no matter. But today I always think about her, my birthday. I wonder if she's thinking of me? If she regrets giving me away or if she's happy she made the right decision? If she looks like me, thinks like me? I usually stop myself because I am not ready to even consider trying to look. I couldn't handle the devastation if I was rejected.
I FINALLY got my first paycheck from my job, payroll mix up left it delayed when I was supposed to get it at Christmas, so that was a nice little gift. But directly following that I got a letter from Canada Revenue Agency that I owe over $1,200 in back taxes because they were missing a T-4 from last year, which I told them at the time I was unable to obtain a T-4 from that employer so they should have done that but obviously didn't. So they basically cancel each other out. Just another kick in the ass from the government, thanks. Because that's what I need is more people to owe money that I don't have.
Other than that my day has mostly revolved around food. A. got up and made me banana chocolate chip buttermilk pancakes for breakfast, yummy! He did everything today, he cleaned and took care of me and let me take three naps. I've been really sedated the last few days. My stress has been out of control so I have been taking my full doses of Seroquel and then some and I am still having panic attacks. I'm so depressed lately I just have so many thoughts going through my brain I just want it to stop. The only way to do that lately seems sedation and sleep. On top of that my sciatic nerve in my spine has been really bothering me for the last few days so I have been taking muscle relaxants and analgesics on top of it all. So explains my urgency to nap. I wasn't awake long enough to eat anything for lunch, but A. is making taco's for dinner, scrumptulescent! Followed by some rich rich ice cream for desert! So while the whole day revolves around food it is all things I enjoy to eat so at least my tummy will be happy. That's a start.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Anxiously Isolating
I'm sitting here waiting for a phone call from my boss about my job and anticipating the aforementioned trip this weekend and literally boiling with anxiety. I guess there is a downside to isolation, waiting alone is pure stress. As I continue to think about it I am getting more and more worked up. I don't even want to go on this trip. I don't want to see anyone or have anyone see me. I feel socially awkward even around my friends. Some of them I don't even really consider friends, I just let them believe they are my friends. But honestly if most of them stopped talking to me tomorrow I probably couldn't care less. I guess it's just abandonment conditioning or something. But I don't want to have to put on a show that everything is OK for the whole weekend, that's even harder than accepting that everything is NOT OK. I'm feeling nauseous and tight chested just thinking about it. But on the flip side, if I don't go I know I will regret the fun I missed and the love I would receive. I know its not healthy to want to be alone all the time, but I feel comfortable and safe when I'm at home, and if that doesn't work the surefire cure is to run to my bed and hide under the covers. It's really juvenile but it makes me feel better, the whole if I can't see them they can't see me theory. A. has gotten so used to it that when I run and hide under the covers he will crawl underneath with me and hold me and ask me if I feel safe. I hate the thought of not having my bed close. A. has assured me that if I am not up to making this trip I can cancel my appointment and stay home. He will g to the city to get some of the things we need, and I will be home alone, it's about a 7 hour drive each way. But then I feel guilty to make him go alone, and I will miss the appointment I'm waiting so long for, plus there are a few things we need to pick up from back home. I told him I would wait to see what my boss says. I reasoned that if she doesn't want me to start for a few weeks I'll go on this trip because I will have time to wind down again before I go back to work. But if she wants me to start work right away I won't go. I can't even tell if I am being reasonable or logical about this or of everything I am thinking is just totally distorted right now.
Life From The Couch
It is my third day in a row of doing nothing. I haven't even gone outside, and I love it. My neighbours must think I'm a zombie because every time they pull in or out of their driveway they can see me sitting in the same spot. I've been taking my regular meds Celexa, Wellbutrin, Seroquel as well as Nasonex nose spray and Robaxacet plus whatever other (sugar, caffeine, weed) stimulants I can find to keep numb. I just have absolutely no desire to do anything. I just sit around and wait until I can write on my blog, even though it doesn't really matter. Whether I wrote five times a day or five times a year I don't think anyone would notice.
I'm supposed to go to the city this weekend because I have an appointment with an ear specialist regarding my deaf left ear which has had several surgeries and causes me nothing but problems and pain. I have been waiting over a year for this appointment and they have rescheduled me twice. But now that it's here I have been desperately hoping they would cancel again because I am very anxious about seeing my friends and A.'s family right now. When I don't feel "quite right" I am usually absolutely convinced it's written right across my forehead in permanent marker so it makes me anxious to be around them. Is it still considered social anxiety if you have panic attacks when you're around close friends and family?
So I am sitting here waiting for a call from my boss. They are moving me to a different hospital to train. I applied for one position which is more hours than now but not full time, it's about 65% of full time, then I can work casual at the other hospitals too. I don't know why I applied for this job when I could have just been thrown around for training everywhere, which would be significantly less work. Aside from the fact that the job I applied for is a 40 minute commute, as opposed to a 5 minute or 15 minute drive at the other jobs. And to be quite honest I don't want to work more. I am struggling as it is to just get out of bed and get showered by noon most days, and leaving the house is a totally different situation that I need to prepare myself for. It's so depressing. A. is always telling me relax, don't do anything. However, two weeks ago we had almost $8,000.00 in the bank because he finally sold his craptastic truck and now it's mostly gone. We have less than $1,000.00. So that money plus the $4,000.00 he gets from student loans could have gotten us through the whole rest of his school term but now we need to scrimp and save and I have to work more. I'm not trying to sound selfish. It's just totally irresponsible that all that savings is gone. I know I'm bad with money, because of my impulse shopping sprees and whatnot but I was being really good this time and I had no idea because I have been locked out of online banking for awhile too. We shouldn't have done Christmas, that's all. So now I'm waiting for my boss to call me and tell me when and where I go to work next, which will kind of determine how long we stay in the city for, I might not even be able to make it to that appointment if she wants me to start right away. I mostly only wanna go just to see my best friend and her kids, as well as A.'s family and his nephew. I don't even want to see other friends or even let them know I'm there. It's just too much. I feel like I am isolating myself alot lately but it's ok because I am geographically isolated from many of the people in my life anyways and I have no friends or anything where I am. I was even considering doing more work on the computer, in the digital world. Because then you aren't ever really responsible to anyone. In a way this blog is my best friend because I can say anything, it doesn't judge, it doesn't hurt. It's not going to call me names or make me feel bad about myself. (Although I try not to look at many of my past entries). So for the time being, if occupying one couch cushion and a computer chair make me feel a bit more relaxed and keep me from doing less constructive things then that's a bonus. Maybe once I get back to therapy I will have more ambition to be present in the real world. I feel like Borderline Personality Disorder has become me, I have become it. Everything I do is based on my BPD and I can see it clear as day. My cognitive behavioral therapy taught me to recognize my emotions and distortions, but I still don't have the skills to do anything about it. It's like my brain has been programmed to constantly remind me what a freak I am. Maybe I should have stayed in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy group, but one of the therapists I swear to god in heaven is an evil witch. She scared the muffins out of me. Oh yeah, and I let the anger get the best of me when I layed a verbal lashing this ignorant woman in group who was totally mean and offensive to everyone there and I felt like it wasn't a place that was going to be conducive to learning for me, or I would have gotten kicked out anyway so I quit. Now I wait.
I'm supposed to go to the city this weekend because I have an appointment with an ear specialist regarding my deaf left ear which has had several surgeries and causes me nothing but problems and pain. I have been waiting over a year for this appointment and they have rescheduled me twice. But now that it's here I have been desperately hoping they would cancel again because I am very anxious about seeing my friends and A.'s family right now. When I don't feel "quite right" I am usually absolutely convinced it's written right across my forehead in permanent marker so it makes me anxious to be around them. Is it still considered social anxiety if you have panic attacks when you're around close friends and family?
So I am sitting here waiting for a call from my boss. They are moving me to a different hospital to train. I applied for one position which is more hours than now but not full time, it's about 65% of full time, then I can work casual at the other hospitals too. I don't know why I applied for this job when I could have just been thrown around for training everywhere, which would be significantly less work. Aside from the fact that the job I applied for is a 40 minute commute, as opposed to a 5 minute or 15 minute drive at the other jobs. And to be quite honest I don't want to work more. I am struggling as it is to just get out of bed and get showered by noon most days, and leaving the house is a totally different situation that I need to prepare myself for. It's so depressing. A. is always telling me relax, don't do anything. However, two weeks ago we had almost $8,000.00 in the bank because he finally sold his craptastic truck and now it's mostly gone. We have less than $1,000.00. So that money plus the $4,000.00 he gets from student loans could have gotten us through the whole rest of his school term but now we need to scrimp and save and I have to work more. I'm not trying to sound selfish. It's just totally irresponsible that all that savings is gone. I know I'm bad with money, because of my impulse shopping sprees and whatnot but I was being really good this time and I had no idea because I have been locked out of online banking for awhile too. We shouldn't have done Christmas, that's all. So now I'm waiting for my boss to call me and tell me when and where I go to work next, which will kind of determine how long we stay in the city for, I might not even be able to make it to that appointment if she wants me to start right away. I mostly only wanna go just to see my best friend and her kids, as well as A.'s family and his nephew. I don't even want to see other friends or even let them know I'm there. It's just too much. I feel like I am isolating myself alot lately but it's ok because I am geographically isolated from many of the people in my life anyways and I have no friends or anything where I am. I was even considering doing more work on the computer, in the digital world. Because then you aren't ever really responsible to anyone. In a way this blog is my best friend because I can say anything, it doesn't judge, it doesn't hurt. It's not going to call me names or make me feel bad about myself. (Although I try not to look at many of my past entries). So for the time being, if occupying one couch cushion and a computer chair make me feel a bit more relaxed and keep me from doing less constructive things then that's a bonus. Maybe once I get back to therapy I will have more ambition to be present in the real world. I feel like Borderline Personality Disorder has become me, I have become it. Everything I do is based on my BPD and I can see it clear as day. My cognitive behavioral therapy taught me to recognize my emotions and distortions, but I still don't have the skills to do anything about it. It's like my brain has been programmed to constantly remind me what a freak I am. Maybe I should have stayed in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy group, but one of the therapists I swear to god in heaven is an evil witch. She scared the muffins out of me. Oh yeah, and I let the anger get the best of me when I layed a verbal lashing this ignorant woman in group who was totally mean and offensive to everyone there and I felt like it wasn't a place that was going to be conducive to learning for me, or I would have gotten kicked out anyway so I quit. Now I wait.
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