Is Anyone Out There?

Hey everyone, or anyone who's listening. I see people have been looking at my page and not leaving comments or what-not. I seriously need someone to talk to. I think I am going to go to the Mental Health Clinic tomorrow for a drop-in session since I'm still waiting to get in to see my psychiatrist in February. Maybe once they see I'm monkey-banana's they'll get me in sooner. I don't know where else to go but I know I need to talk to someone. I am in a bad place. I don't even know if I am suicidal or not....is there a clinical definition? I think about it daily, I plan how I will do it next time so it works, and when so I won't be interrupted this time. I don;t actually think want  to die, but I don't necessarily want to live either. Is that suicidal? I'm thinking of going to Dr. Hackandcut surgeon in Emergency at my local hospital to have some moles removed, because he loves to do it, and then it's not self harm but I can still feel something from it. Is that messed up? I basically just feel really confused and don't know what to do. Christmas is going to be a very hard time for me. Last year was the worst Christmas of my life, full of family blame and shame and followed by an unsuccessful suicide attempt, and now I'm not even invited back. My family lives about a 12 hour drive away and they have always made sure I got home for the holidays, except this year. They have totally abandoned me and I feel like there's no hope left for me. Please someone tell me everything's going to be ok.