Yesterday was a bad day, excruciating. It started out fine. I went to work. My fiance finally sold his poopy truck which is going to bankrupt us just trying to keep fuel in it. We have money again. But then I got home and I started drinking ALOT of alcohol. Then all my feelings just started pouring out of me like word vomit. It resulted in me flying into an extreme rage attack. I slapped my fiance accross the face, gave him his ring back and told him to get out. Then I locked myself in the bathroom and started cutting up my wrist real bad with a razor. I had absolutely no control over myself. He knows to be alarmed when I lock myself in the bathroom when I'm upset so he picked the lock and found me. And after I was such a monster to him he held me and got me through the night. I know he loves me, but I'm so afraid that one of these days love won't be enough. He's going to get sick of my violent rage and crazy antics and he's going to leave me. I think about it all the time.
During this whole event which lasted throughout the night I had texted my dad some very disconcerting text messages. So he's all in a tizzy today trying to pretend like he cares, but when I talked to him he said:
1.) He has been reading about my disorder.(Wow-you have the internet, big fucking deal. I guess you're an expert now.)
2.) That many people go their whole life without being diagnosed and wonder why they're different but never get treatment. Just like many people have ADHD and go undiagnosed and wonder why they can't concentrate or get organized. (Yeah, it's just like that. Except people with ADHD dont typically try to hurt/kill themselves because they are consumed by their symptoms.)
And to top it all off he said:
3.) If you really wanted to kill yourself you would have done it by now. Obviously something is holding you back.
Maybe it's just me, but WHAT THE FUCK? Who says that? It felt like he was trying to hurt me not help me. And for the record the first time I attempted suicide I didn't know what I was doing and just ended up making myself violently ill with a pill overdose, and the second time I got caught and taken to emergency because my fiance came home early and unannounced. My dad says I should get a hobby like making jewelry or painting. Cuz that'll make it all go away, what a cure! My family is fucking retarded and I pretty much hate them all. Keep in mind, my mother is diagnosed with severe depression and takes a cocktail of pills herself. And she tried to commit suicide when I was 13 and I had to witness her illness take form. But it's not allowed for me to be depressed, and especially not BPD. They are like scared of me now and pretty much refuse to acknowledge my mental illness.They have successfully ruined my day, my Christmas and my life. And they hate me but refuse to admit it.
Last year at Christmas I was super depressed, not yet diagnosed or on medication. I travelled home for Christmas and my brother called me a walking sob story and told me it was my own fault that my cat died because I am useless. (My cat Meowy-RIP- died December 3, 2009. My now fiance and I had just moved in together a few days prior, and I came home one night to find Meowy dead at the bottom of the stairs, poisoned by some rat poison he found in the crawl space.) It was horrible. It went on and on, a verbal lashing all directed at me, and nobody said a damn thing! NOBODY protected me. I started packing and was going to drive the 8 hours home right then but was faced with the blame of "causing a scene" and "ruining Christmas". This year I wasn't invited back. My dad said it's because I'm further away now which is true, we moved to the country and now it would be a 14 hour drive. But whatever, he got me home every year when I moved away or was off at school and now they don't want me anymore because nobody knows how to deal with me. Now that my brother and his gf moved back there, they can have their happily little family get-together and not be interrupted by my drama. And I don't even care. I have talked to my brother only a handful of times in the last year mainly at family functions, the ones I'm invited to (Funerals for the most part), so it would be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone else, and extremelly painful and emotionally damaging to me at the same time. I used to love Christmas, the food, the tree and decorations, the music and I don't even have any of that this year. The single decoration I put out is a snowglobe with a silver base and one lonely silver tree with white snow. It's quite simple but also kind of harsh looking- it seemed fitting.
I;m thinking I will go to the Mental Health Clinic tomorrow and show them what I've done and maybe they can get me in to see Dr.R sooner than February because obviously I am spinning wildly out of control again and that I need someone to talk to, I need my psychiatrist. If I don't post for awhile it's because they locked me up and I will be in there scratching my way up the walls trying to escape the mayhem!
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