How Can I Compare?

I always thought I wasn't good enough, or smart enough or pretty enough for anyone to love me. Now I feel as though my worst fears have been justified. The man I love has been cheating on me, and lying about it. Now let's get this straight- it is MY idea of cheating BECAUSE he is lying. He has a terrible porn addiction, and by terrible i mean frequency of use and category of porn. I have seen it, in his phone, his gaming machines, his internet browser, and I have also flat out caught him. I have no problem with masturbation or self gratification, we all do it. It's the fact that I asked about it, and was lied to. I am very open. I tried discussing it without judgement (even though some of the things he looks at offend me personally due to my history of sexual abuse, and make me afraid to have a family with him). I offered to talk about it and help him quit because HE expressed the desire to ME that he wanted to quit and not feel like a filthy pervert anymore. I was available for him to talk to, I tried to be more liberal in the bedroom. I wore outfits and costumes and played with games and toys and did pretty much whatever he wanted. But the whole time he was still constantly jerking off to other women/girls, and lying about it. i have caught him several times now and refuse to see what I am doing wrong. He says it's ruining his life and he is sorry. I have heard him say that too much now that it's just kind of a "Boy who cried Wolf" type of situation. I kicked him out of my bed because I can't stand the thought of him touching me. I did everything he wanted sexually but apparently I'm still not good enough. It's so humiliating to know he is comparing me to these other women. I judge myself enough as it is, I didn't need this. Starting Jan. 1 I'm extreme dieting and beautifying, and if on my path to make myself feel good enough maybe somebody else will see something in me that he didn't. If he wants fake and plastic then that's what he'll get. He is saying he is looking for treatment even though several times over the past year I have presented him with treatment options. But how can I feel good about myself when he goes to the measure of  lying and sneaking around to get what he wants? I don't get to look at other people naked. I told him once if he thinks all that porn is ok and not harmful he should let me do it. I could make alot of money working as a sex cam model, I've done it before. But according to him that's not acceptable, not that I really want to do that, it's just the principle of it all. I told him everything about me, very serious things, things I have never told anyone not even my psychiatrist and he can't even be honest. I just don't know what to do. My whole life has been filled with sexual perversion and mistrust. Am I destined to live this way forever? I'm so depressed. I feel like I lost something that I had no control over, and I'll never be able to trust him again. Happy Fucking New Year- I'm getting drunk tonight!

Christmas Was Saved, Just on Time for Me to Ruin it!

It was December 23rd and I was sitting around feeling sorry for myself because my family doesn't love me enough to want me around during the holidays. Then A. suggested we have Christmas anyways, by ourselves, between us and the two dogs and two cats how many more people do we need right? So the next morning (Christmas Eve) we did everything. We got up early and went shopping for presents, decorations, junk food, stocking stuffers, Christmas dinner and among other things, a tree! When we got it all home we realized the tree was not green with silver tinsel on it, but rather it was entirely made of silver tinsel- truly a disco Christmas! We decided to keep it because it is kind of odd and funny looking but still cute. We decorated and pigged out all night. Then I had to go to work for 4 hours in the evening. When I got back A. had a Christmas feast prepared, a stuffed roasting chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy and vegetables- the works. We pigged out and watched holiday movies all night. We stayed up until midnight to open one present each and decided to open the ones my parents had sent because neither of us could choose which one to give each other first. It was really happy and we went to bed for a nice long sleep.

I woke up in the morning and arranged all of the stocking things, our stuff and all the toys and treats for the pets. We got up and opened presents then continued to pig out all day on junk food and leftovers so we didn't have to cook. We even had a paper plate set so we didn't even have to do dishes. Talk about preparing for laziness. It was really fun.

And then I happened......

I guess with all the rush and bustle of our last minute Christmas I was able to push some things aside and pretend. It was boxing day. I guess what I failed to mention in my last post was that the whole argument between me and A. was actually resulting almost exclusively from his actions. He has a problem, a big one. This is not one of my BPD catastrophizing and blowing everything up. It is a big deal. I guess it's not fair for me to say anything about the problem, except that it's a habit. A filthy habit that has gotten out of control and I can't take it anymore. He has quit doing other things with great ease but when it comes to something like our relationship he just doesn't seem to care. He says he loves me and he's sorry. But I have heard it so many times before it makes me feel stupid to believe it again. The difference between me and him is that I know I have a problem, I have a mental illness and it affects me daily. But I am trying, I search for resources to educate me and I search for help. I know I'm a god-damned mess most of the time but at least I try. I don't lie about. I hate being lied to. I told him that from day one and he has done nothing but consistently sneak around and lie right to my face. It's humiliating. I can't even tell anyone about it because they will judge him. Rather I let them judge me for being so angry at him all the time for apparently no reason. I look like the jerk. Because I am a sucker for punishment and I know I will continue to put up with it so I try not to paint him the wrong way or my people will try and split us up and then I will be alone. I am alone right now anyways. I told him I want to take a break. We're not really discussing it with anyone, but I am not wearing his ring and I kicked him out of the bedroom for awhile. I need my own space to decide what to do, and the last thing I want is to be physically intimate with him. I love him but he makes my skin crawl, does that make sense? I need someone who makes me feel special, not suicidal. My anxiety is through the roof and I can't wait until New Years Eve because I am going to get so shit-bomb hammered I forget the whole damn year!

I Had A Bad Day Again

Yesterday was a bad day, excruciating. It started out fine. I went to work. My fiance finally sold his poopy truck which is going to bankrupt us just trying to keep fuel in it. We have money again. But then I got home and I started drinking ALOT of alcohol. Then all my feelings just started pouring out of me like word vomit. It resulted in me flying into an extreme rage attack. I slapped my fiance accross the face, gave him his ring back and told him to get out. Then I locked myself in the bathroom and started cutting up my wrist real bad with a razor. I had absolutely no control over myself. He knows to be alarmed when I lock myself in the bathroom when I'm upset so he picked the lock and found me. And after I was such a monster to him he held me and got me through the night. I know he loves me, but I'm so afraid that one of these days love won't be enough. He's going to get sick of my violent rage and crazy antics and he's going to leave me. I think about it all the time.
During this whole event which lasted throughout the night I had texted my dad some very disconcerting text messages. So he's all in a tizzy today trying to pretend like he cares, but when I talked to him he said:
1.) He has been reading about my disorder.(Wow-you have the internet, big fucking deal. I guess you're an expert now.)
2.) That many people go their whole life without being diagnosed and wonder why they're different but never get treatment. Just like many people have ADHD and go undiagnosed and wonder why they can't concentrate or get organized. (Yeah, it's just like that. Except people with ADHD dont typically try to hurt/kill themselves because they are consumed by their symptoms.)
And to top it all off he said:
3.) If you really wanted to kill yourself you would have done it by now. Obviously something is holding you back.
Maybe it's just me, but WHAT THE FUCK? Who says that? It felt like he was trying to hurt me not help me. And for the record the first time I attempted suicide I didn't know what I was doing and just ended up making myself violently ill with a pill overdose, and the second time I got caught and taken to emergency because my fiance came home early and unannounced. My dad says I should get a hobby like making jewelry or painting. Cuz that'll make it all go away, what a cure! My family is fucking retarded and I pretty much hate them all. Keep in mind, my mother is diagnosed with severe depression and takes a cocktail of pills herself. And she tried to commit suicide when I was 13 and I had to witness her illness take form. But it's not allowed for me to be depressed, and especially not BPD. They are like scared of me now and pretty much refuse to acknowledge my mental illness.They have successfully ruined my day, my Christmas and my life. And they hate me but refuse to admit it.
Last year at Christmas I was super depressed, not yet diagnosed or on medication. I travelled home for Christmas and my brother called me a walking sob story and told me it was my own fault that my cat died because I am useless. (My cat Meowy-RIP- died December 3, 2009. My now fiance and I had just moved in together a few days prior, and I came home one night to find Meowy dead at the bottom of the stairs, poisoned by some rat poison he found in the crawl space.) It was horrible. It went on and on, a verbal lashing all directed at me, and nobody said a damn thing! NOBODY protected me. I started packing and was going to drive the 8 hours home right then but was faced with the blame of "causing a scene" and "ruining Christmas". This year I wasn't invited back. My dad said it's because I'm further away now which is true, we moved to the country and now it would be a 14 hour drive. But whatever, he got me home every year when I moved away or was off at school and now they don't want me anymore because nobody knows how to deal with me. Now that my brother and his gf moved back there, they can have their happily little family get-together and not be interrupted by my drama. And I don't even care. I have talked to my brother only a handful of times in the last year mainly at family functions, the ones I'm invited to (Funerals for the most part), so it would be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone else, and extremelly painful and emotionally damaging to me at the same time. I used to love Christmas, the food, the tree and decorations, the music and I don't even have any of that this year. The single decoration I put out is a snowglobe with a silver base and one lonely silver tree with white snow. It's quite simple but also kind of harsh looking- it seemed fitting.
I;m thinking I will go to the Mental Health Clinic tomorrow and show them what I've done and maybe they can get me in to see Dr.R sooner than February because obviously I am spinning wildly out of control again and that I need someone to talk to, I need my psychiatrist. If I don't post for awhile it's because they locked me up and I will be in there scratching my way up the walls trying to escape the mayhem!

Is Anyone Out There?

Hey everyone, or anyone who's listening. I see people have been looking at my page and not leaving comments or what-not. I seriously need someone to talk to. I think I am going to go to the Mental Health Clinic tomorrow for a drop-in session since I'm still waiting to get in to see my psychiatrist in February. Maybe once they see I'm monkey-banana's they'll get me in sooner. I don't know where else to go but I know I need to talk to someone. I am in a bad place. I don't even know if I am suicidal or not....is there a clinical definition? I think about it daily, I plan how I will do it next time so it works, and when so I won't be interrupted this time. I don;t actually think want  to die, but I don't necessarily want to live either. Is that suicidal? I'm thinking of going to Dr. Hackandcut surgeon in Emergency at my local hospital to have some moles removed, because he loves to do it, and then it's not self harm but I can still feel something from it. Is that messed up? I basically just feel really confused and don't know what to do. Christmas is going to be a very hard time for me. Last year was the worst Christmas of my life, full of family blame and shame and followed by an unsuccessful suicide attempt, and now I'm not even invited back. My family lives about a 12 hour drive away and they have always made sure I got home for the holidays, except this year. They have totally abandoned me and I feel like there's no hope left for me. Please someone tell me everything's going to be ok.

Begging For Treatment

I don't really know what to do with myself at this point. I feel like I have been diagnosed and "treated" for the last year for BPD among other things and I am left helpless, hopeless and confused. I can now see the many of the things I have done, or still currently do, my behaviors, my emotions are extremely unregulated and all I am left with is a visible picture of the path of destruction that I have created for myself. Where does that leave me? I thought everything was starting to go well for me. I got engaged to the most fantastic, understanding , loving man I have ever met. We moved away from a big city of over a million population to a rural town of about 2000 people. My fiance is going to school to get an education and advance his career to make our life better. We came from a life of hiding from the law and living with personal demons. We seemed to break free into this slower paced down to earth community but I feel more alone than ever. I miss my psychiatrist, Dr. J and feel somewhat abandoned by her. I have been left unattended from therapy for what will be 7 months by the time I get in to see my new psychiatrist, Dr. R. Who knows if I will even like her, or trust her, but in a community of this size she is really my only option. I have been in crisis for several months now. I have a hard time talking to my fiance, A. because I feel like he won't understand or he will realize how frenzied I really am and he will leave. I try to put on a happy face for his benefit but then I just feel like I am acting, so my depression doesn't engulf everyone around me. I always feel like I am acting, like I just change my personality and demeanor to adjust to whoever it is around me, to be socially acceptable. I've done it so long I don't even know who I am anymore, or who I ever was, or if |I'm even a real person. I want to figure out who I am but every time I venture on that quest I seem to be disappointed in what I find. I have been very depressed and anxious lately. I have been taking heavy doses of Seroquel, as well as Celexa and Wellbutrin. I have been on this cocktail for about a year now. Usually it works fine for me except I have alot of anxiety attacks that don't seem to be curbed by this medication. As of recent I have been resorting to binge drinking and drugs to help me deal but I know I just really need to talk to someone. Nobody questions my drinking because when I am drunk I am very pleasant and happy with no cause for alarm. But usually when I drink I don`t take my meds because I know it is dangerous to drink alcohol with some of the medications I take. I like the feeling, I feel like I am my true self again when I drink, and I encourage myself to slip into my own depths. I feel safe and comforted in my depression, however the drinking often makes me irrational and I am more prone to self harm if I am triggered when I am intoxicated. I am worried about this because I know it is still two more months before I see Dr. R. and my regression seems to be exceeding at an alarming rate. My two previous unsuccessful suicide attempts were in February and it`s getting close to that time. I am worried I won`t be able to control myself. I have spoken to Dr.D, my general practitioner about it but since I am already on the waiting list at the mental health clinic nobody seems alarmed. There is a walk-in clinic on Thursdays, one time only, at the mental health clinic. I think I will try to go next week. I have attempted but a few things get in my way. Firstly, I have been fired from every job I have worked at since I moved here. I just recently got a new job, with casual hours, in a health care facility. I am very anxious that someone living in this community will find out about me and I will lose my job or be judged. Also, since I know they only do the walk-in clinic as a one time use type of thing, I don`t want to waste it in case I get into a time of serious crisis more so than what I am in now. That said, I am usually quite erratic and uncontrollable when I am in serious crisis and doubt I would even be able to convince myself to go. I just wish I could get in sooner. I need some help. Most of my family and friends are gone, they have either deserted me or I have pushed them away. It`s hard for me to make and maintain friends because of my trust issues and my temper. Where can you go when all resources have failed you......

BPD Shattered my Hope

My reason for creating this blog is to create some sort of community amongst fellow sufferers of Borderline Personality Disorder and any other associated disorders, mental illnesses, or people who can relate. There is alot of misconception and stigma attatched to mental illness and I am trying to fight it in my own way, by raising awareness, helping others and sharing resources so we can all try and get better. Many people say there is no cure for BPD, I'm not sure. But I know we can unite together and do everything we can to support each other in fighting this illness. I look forward to hearing from you and will take suggestions. It's scary to me to be doing this, so publicly, so bare. However I am not willing to be ashamed of an illness anymore, it's time for us to speak and be heard. I am obviously not a therapist, I speak solely from experience. I have had several hospital stays, voluntary and involuntary due to my own actions. I have been an Inpatient in the psych ward, and an Outpatient completing a 16 week full time program in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, another Dialectical Behavior Therapy group (that I begged to get into and just as quickly dropped out), as well as talk therapy on a regular basis with my psychiatrist. I recently left my psychiatrist and am on a waiting list to get in to see a new psychiatrist in the rural community which I moved to. This process alone has taken me four months and I am not due for my first appointment with my psychiatrist until February. That is 7 months of waiting. I have been officially diagnosed over a year ago with Borderline Personality Disorder and severe Depression and Anxiety Disorders. I take a cocktail of anti-psychotics and anti-depressants which often fail to do the trick. I use drugs and binge drink to excess when I am in crisis, anything to make the pain stop. Going to all this therapy just made me realize that I do have a label, I have symptoms of a disease, with no known cure. I can actively see myself doing things that are self-harming, irrational, compulsive, angry, and manipulative- but I can't seem to be able to stop myself. I want to be a good person, and have a good life and not just pretend to be that person, idealizing everyone else's life which in turn makes me feel depressed and worthless. I feel like I am being ripped off because I have BPD, can anyone relate?