I Give Up. Goodbye.

The last thing I had left to care for is gone. My fiance has a problem with internet porn, specifically child pornography and incest. He was molested at a young age by a family member. I have tried to understand and be supportive and hook him up with the right people and he doesn't care. it's not something I can have in my home and now that I know he chooses that over me i told him to leave. He left to a different city, in my car, with my dogs. I have spent the last year and a half trying to support him and encourage him while he used me and my family to put him through school. He has had several opportunity's but he doesn't want help. It hurts me terribly and now that he is gone and taken the last bit of love i had in this world i am done. goodbye world, i hope you fuckin rot in hell. See you there.

HELP!

I don't know what to do. I know I haven't blogged in a long time but to put it lightly things haven't been going well, and it's gone from bad to worse. I saw my psychiatrist today for the second time and....well I FUCKING HATE HER! She has been of no use to me but everything ends up being my fault. I moved from the big city to a small town to reduce my stress among other reasons. I waited 7 months to see her only to do a lame med review, which she never even gave me a new Rx so I had to go to Emergency to get a refill on my antidepressants when I realized too late there were no refills at my pharmacy. So fine. Also at that appointment I was told that for some reason I wasn't on the waiting list for a therapist, despite my phone calls and inquisitions over those seven months as to when something may happen. I could have been seeing a therapist for the last 6 months. So I went back to my psychiatrist today. Not only was she very late getting me in which I understand, people fall behind. But I made the effort to go, after hours of fighting with myself not to call and cancel, and drove to a different town, and arrived 15 minutes early out of respect. So I wait in the waiting room for over a half hour and then I only ended up getting a 15 minute appointment, WTF? Not only did she not ask about my medications or give me a prescription, she didn't mention all the lab work I had to have done and spent ten minutes trying to figure out where I was on the waiting list only to tell me it will still be two weeks and she has no control over it. Well thanks for wasting my time. Then I explained to her that I was really feeling disappointed at the lack of help I am receiving. My emotions are out of control and I am having trouble with day to day life. Like not being able to get out of bed, of being so terribly fearful to leave my house that I am sometimes paralyzed by it, that my job is suffering and the hours I get are barely enough to pay for my medication, my fiance is in school, I have the weight of the world on my shoulders because everyone seems to think I am to blame because I don't make enough money to support us. She told me to get a job as a Walmart greeter, yeah someone who can barely leave the house and has extreme social anxiety. I am crushed by feelings of guilt, depression, anxiety, worthlessness and poor body image every day.
Do you know what she told me? She told me that although she knows the reasons I decided to move to a small town, and there is less help here. (My fault?)  SO what do I have to do to put myself on the list? Attempt suicide and be hospitalized? I think I got it down now, I had two unsuccessful attempts, I'm sure I could make another one and make it through. I am obviously not very good at it.
Then she told me I need to exercise to get rid of my anxiety, run up and down the stairs at my house,several times a day.. And then I will be fitter, she told me. Yeah thanks bitch, as if I didn't have enough concerns about my weight, and she knows that. So I guess it's push anorexia day today.
I booked back in for a month from now. However at the time I feel like she is only in it for the money and doesn't really want to help anyone. Her advice is totally bunk and makes me wonder where she got her liscence. My problem, there is noone else. I feel totally hopeless right now. I am getting progressively worse over this time, have become a total shut in, only leave the house about once a week and that's either for appointments or work. Everything is going down the drain and I can't get any help. 15 minutes once a month just doesn't do it for me. I know I am on the waiting list for a therapist but I kind of wonder...I mean, if the only psychiatrist is too busy to help and the therapists are taking on her patients, how busy are they? Are they going to be able to help. I can't move back to the city. It will eat me alive. But I have no hope anymore. I really just want to give up.
So here I am. Broke verging on homeless, ridden with suicidal thoughts and beginning stages of agoraphobia, along with my Borderline Personality Disorder, depression and anxiety. So I am told I shouldn't have moved to a small town, I should exercise obsessively(that's what it will become if I do that) and get a job in a public place where there are droves of people. Fuck off.
I don't know what to do.