Good/Bad

I amaze myself sometimes with how contradictory I am in my own life. Yesterday I started my first day at my new job, same field just a different location. I was so nervous I swear I could have spontaneously combusted on the drive there just from nerves alone. I thought I was going to throw up or pass out. Lucky A. was there or I probably would have.
The day went without fail, clearly much to learn but got good vibes. People seemed to like me there. At the end of it all  was fairly pleased with myself. After all it was a mere few days before I drove 40 miles for the commute to pick up A. from school-to accompany me on a quick walk through of the new workplace to familiarize myself before I went. I had visions in my head of walking in there and confidently speaking to my new supervisor, professionally introduce myself before my fist day....not quite what happened. We walked into the hospital and were standing in the front lobby, faced by a sign of "Please take off wet or muddy footwear". In complying with this task realized through a glass door view that the place where I am possibly to be working is immediately in front of us. We took off our shoes and despite A.'s plea that we had already passed my station, we were approached by another station of gleaming sterile looking specimens. I stopped halfway in between the two forts, begging my heart not to explode out of my chest, and asked A. if he could please be discreet but this is too much for me to handle and I need to casually back out of this place immediately. We left. We had been there no more than 30 seconds. I drove 40 miles one way, to go there for half a minute. I am completely embarrassed with myself. Normal people don't have problems with everyday life like I do.
On my first official day I was so nervous I swear I was visibly shaking like an epileptic. My body was jolting in defiance of me as I entered the door. I was greeted with smiling faces and warm welcomes. I always "know" everything will be ok in the end. But when I am in the moment I can't even reason that anyone could ever accept anything I have to offer. It all turned well, the ladies were lovely, I had nothing to worry about. But wait until I tell you about today. Polar opposite. I am still trying to let it absorb and settle in so I can accept it, so I will have to tell you about it tomorrow. If I can remember it all by then.

Art Therapy

I thought I would post this interesting video I found while researching "Art Therapy". I personally find this video inspiring and believe in some ways art therapy has gotten me through some tough times, by using concentration (on art) for distraction. I find it easier to express myself creatively than to express myself with words sometimes. Let me know if you know anything about art therapy that you would like to add, if you have any questions or if you would like to hear more on the topic.

What's the Point of My Blog?

What is the point of my blog? The answer is, well I'm not quite sure anymore. It seems like I only blog when I am in crisis, or when I am feeling OK I only blog out of guilt that I haven't written. Or the fact that I don't want to be too depressing to anyone who actually reads this rubbish. I am not a talented writer so I am sure most of my posts are very uninteresting to most. The posts I write when I am miserable, anxiety ridden or even suicidal are the only posts that actually have any true meaning. I don't even feel like a real person when I'm not in crisis. I have become so familiar with pain and mental illness it almost seems to define me. Any other time I write I feel like a total fake. Don't get me wrong, I don't lie about anything on here, there is no need to. I just don't really know who I am when I'm not depressed. But to look back on only a deep black hole of my life and see nothing bright and shiny can actually cause me to have a panic attack, because as much as I feel I am defined by depression, mental illness, BPD- I don't want to be.
I have reasoned that I should still write as maybe one day I will be able to see some sort of pattern or improvement in myself but right now it's just nauseating. I have also reasoned that I should write for personal therapy, as I am still waiting to meet my new psychiatrist since I moved up to rural butt fuck nowhere (6 months down and one month to go) so it helps me get my feelings out in a way. Ir does seem unreasonable to me that I have had to wait this long. Before I moved here I was  hospitalize din the psych ward, went to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, was registered into Dialectical Behaviour Therapy but quit, was having one to two visits with my psychiatrist a week and not working, still in a very tender state. It feels to me like everyone just wanted to get rid of me, pass me off, because there is no way someone of my mental health should have been left unattended for seven months. I have had several instances of extreme use of drugs and alcohol, self-harm and suicidal ideations. I have to tranquilize myself with medications to keep going. On top of that I am trying to hold up a job, a relationship, and my sanity.
So what is the point of this blog? Nothing. I guess it eats up some of my time and distracts me momentarily, is that considered a coping mechanism? However sometimes reading my blog can trigger me too. I try not to read it too much, I try to wait until down the road when maybe I can start recognizing some things from what I write, but sometimes it's just easier to wallow in self misery.
In fact the best thing about this blog is my reading list, I love reading everyone elses blogs, feeling like I can relate to someone, but I have trouble humanizing other people too. I know there are a few of you who do read this, and I thank you (namely Sairs- thanks for your comments and support, you are lovely!) because I guess that is partially why I keep going.
I am wondering if I should share this blog with my psychiatrist? I know some of you have done so, I wonder if it is beneficial for therapy or just something my psychiatrist will use against me in some way. (Maybe that's paranoia). Anyways, I am going to post a poll and if anyone reads this could you please give me some insight on this matter either by poll or comments, then I shall decide the fate of Borderline Ballistic.

Back to Life, Back to Reality.

I went back to work last week for the first time in about 3 weeks. I had been beginning to learn how to occupy myself with hobbies, I was doing some jewelry making and working on a cross stitch for a gift. I've noticed it helped keep me distracted, however in the wait to go back to work I have had to keep myself quite tranquilized with drugs and medications at the same time as using my distractions, but I now only have 3 weeks left until my first appointment with my new psychiatrist.
My specialist sent me a letter and I have my balance test and my hearing test booked in the city. These are the tests which will decide if I qualify for a bone implanted hearing aid. They don't think it will be a problem since I have next to no hearing in my left ear, accompanied by vertigo and balance problems. A regular hearing aid wouldn't allow me to hear any better so it's either this or nothing. I'm sure the process will take awhile yet but I am fairly confident about the outcome.
A. took me to the city yesterday to go shopping and I ended up getting my nose pierced again. It's something I have been talking about for at least six months but I needed to be in the city. It looks good, was exactly what I wanted and should heal up perfectly by the time I go back to work on Wednesday. I am starting to train at a different hospital starting then and none of those people have met me before. So I am sure they will just assume I always had it. Besides I have seen other people working in health services with nose piercings before and usually the union doesn't like to put up much of a stink about things. I had had my nose pierced when I was thirteen with a gun, what a bad idea. I was lucky that I never had problems with it and I wore it for several years, then it just fell out one day when I was camping and grew over. I never really liked the placement of it, it was much too low on my nostril so I got my new one above it with a ring and it covers the hole of my old one. One day if I wanted I could get my original piercing done again and have a double piercing on one nostril which might look cool but probably not while I work for health services. I don't want to push the envelope too much.
I am still however extremely nervous to go back to work now. New people, new job. I hope they like me and I like them. Whenever I meet new people I am always worried that I wear this stamp of Borderline Personality Disorder. Like I wear it on my skin and everyone knows. Maybe that's just paranoia. A. is going to take me to the hospital before I work so we can find out where I have to go and take a look around. That should help me feel a little more prepared and confident I suppose.
In the meantime I am going to enjoy the fact that I can send all day with my two dogs and my two kitties. I love them so much, they are a comfort to me. I miss them alot when I go to work so at least I will have the next couple of days to spend with my babies. That's happy.

Home Sweet Home!

Our trip to the city proved fruitful. My appointment with my ear doctor went well. I may be officially part robot soon, bionic ear is what I mean. I may qualify for a procedure to have a bone implanted hearing aid which would normally cost $15,000.0 but I will get it free, at the price of being a guinea pig for the last twenty years or so. Nonetheless I am very excited to be able to hear again, I know it will be a long process but I am totally dedicated to this! Imagine hearing again!
We had a very interesting weekend. We were held up on our trip both ways due to weather related issues. We ended up staying an extra day but it was mostly family time and it was fun.
I start back to work on Wednesday and I am nervous, it's been awhile. But I'm sure everything will be okay. I start at a new hospital next week and I am extremely nervous about that, all new people.
Also I am thinking of dreading my hair. I will do it slowly so it will e progressively accepted by work and if not will at least qualify under prejudice if they fired me. Not looking for that at all. But want to be free and natural and unjudged. As long as I do a good job and am professional it shouldn't matter right? If i do I will make another blog about that but I am almost sort of already in the process, pics will be posted.
Anyways when I was away I had no access to the Internet and really missed checking on my blog and my reading list of your blogs, and I missed you all. I felt so refreshed and renewed when I read all of your blogs. Some were happy, some were sad, tormented, pained, But some were refreshing, renewing and spiritual. And I missed each and every single one of you! Much love, lets bond together through our pain, help each other overcome hardships, and live a renewed life of happiness and peace.

Birthday Blah!

Today is my fifth day in a row of total indoor seclusion. I managed to delay our trip to the city not by confident decision making, and by luck that the wrath of mother nature came down in full force here. We got a blizzard with over a foot of snow overnight with highway warnings not to travel. Sweet. But I don't want to miss my appointment with my hearing specialist so we are going to leave tomorrow and stay overnight, then go to my appointment and come back. A. will have to miss school (Did I mention through all of this I am trying to put my fiance through college?) but I won't go by myself. So I will have to take a break from my recent clutch of isolation.

Today is also my birthday. I turned 31. It makes no difference to me either way really. I already felt old and decrepit as it was. I got a present from my parents and a few phone calls and texts which made me feel good because I thought I would be totally forgotten. I spoke to mom and dad and my brother's girlfriend. My parents were over there for dinner, but my brother never made it to the phone, which is probably a good thing. It does kind of bug me though that my parents always hang out with them. I know that they all live in the same city and I don't but even when I did live there they never made that effort with me. I would have to beg and plead with my mom to go shopping or out for lunch or something mother/daughtery and she would break down only very few and far between requests. And it was never fun anyways. But she goes to dinner and movies with my brothers girlfriend? Hmmm.

Then there is the fact that I worry, obsess about, and fear this woman who isn't even my biological mother. My biological mother gave me up for adoption when I was born and I lived in an orphanage until my adoptive parents came for me I think about two months later, I'm not sure I would have to check my adoption records, but no matter. But today I always think about her, my birthday. I wonder if she's thinking of me? If she regrets giving me away or if she's happy she made the right decision? If she looks like me, thinks like me? I usually stop myself because I am not ready to even consider trying to look. I couldn't handle the devastation if I was rejected.

I FINALLY got my first paycheck from my job, payroll mix up left it delayed when I was supposed to get it at Christmas, so that was a nice little gift. But directly following that I got a letter from Canada Revenue Agency that I owe over $1,200 in back taxes because they were missing a T-4 from last year, which I told them at the time I was unable to obtain a T-4 from that employer so they should have done that but obviously didn't. So they basically cancel each other out. Just another kick in the ass from the government, thanks. Because that's what I need is more people to owe money that I don't have.

Other than that my day has mostly revolved around food. A. got up and made me banana chocolate chip buttermilk pancakes for breakfast, yummy! He did everything today, he cleaned and took care of me and let me take three naps. I've been really sedated the last few days. My stress has been out of control so I have been taking my full doses of Seroquel and then some and I am still having panic attacks. I'm so depressed lately I just have so many thoughts going through my brain I just want it to stop. The only way to do that lately seems sedation and sleep. On top of that my sciatic nerve in my spine has been really bothering me for the last few days so I have been taking muscle relaxants and analgesics on top of it all. So explains my urgency to nap. I wasn't awake long enough to eat anything for lunch, but A. is making taco's for dinner, scrumptulescent! Followed by some rich rich ice cream for desert! So while the whole day revolves around food it is all things I enjoy to eat so at least my tummy will be happy. That's a start.

Anxiously Isolating

I'm sitting here waiting for a phone call from my boss about my job and anticipating the aforementioned trip this weekend and literally boiling with anxiety. I guess there is a downside to isolation, waiting alone is pure stress. As I continue to think about it I am getting more and more worked up. I don't even want to go on this trip. I don't want to see anyone or have anyone see me. I feel socially awkward even around my friends. Some of them I don't even really consider friends, I just let them believe they are my friends. But honestly if most of them stopped talking to me tomorrow I probably couldn't care less. I guess it's just abandonment conditioning or something. But I don't want to have to put on a show that everything is OK for the whole weekend, that's even harder than accepting that everything is NOT OK. I'm feeling nauseous and tight chested just thinking about it. But on the flip side, if I don't go I know I will regret the fun I missed and the love I would receive. I know its not healthy to want to be alone all the time, but I feel comfortable and safe when I'm at home, and if that doesn't work the surefire cure is to run to my bed and hide under the covers. It's really juvenile but it makes me feel better, the whole if I can't see them they can't see me theory. A. has gotten so used to it that when I run and hide under the covers he will crawl underneath with me and hold me and ask me if I feel safe. I hate the thought of not having my bed close. A. has assured me that if I am not up to making this trip I can cancel my appointment and stay home. He will g to the city to get some of the things we need, and I will be home alone, it's about a 7 hour drive each way. But then I feel guilty to make him go alone, and I will miss the appointment I'm waiting so long for, plus there are a few things we need to pick up from back home. I told him I would wait to see what my boss says. I reasoned that if she doesn't want me to start for a few weeks I'll go on this trip because I will have time to wind down again before I go back to work. But if she wants me to start work right away I won't go. I can't even tell if I am being reasonable or logical about this or of everything I am thinking is just totally distorted right now.

Life From The Couch

It is my third day in a row of doing nothing. I haven't even gone outside, and I love it. My neighbours must think I'm a zombie because every time they pull in or out of their driveway they can see me sitting in the same spot. I've been taking my regular meds Celexa, Wellbutrin, Seroquel as well as Nasonex nose spray and Robaxacet plus whatever other (sugar, caffeine, weed) stimulants I can find to keep numb. I just have absolutely no desire to do anything. I just sit around and wait until I can write on my blog, even though it doesn't really matter. Whether I wrote five times a day or five times a year I don't think anyone would notice.
I'm supposed to go to the city this weekend because I have an appointment with an ear specialist regarding my deaf left ear which has had several surgeries and causes me nothing but problems and pain. I have been waiting over a year for this appointment and they have rescheduled me twice. But now that it's here I have been desperately hoping they would cancel again because I am very anxious about seeing my friends and A.'s family right now. When I don't feel "quite right" I am usually absolutely convinced it's written right across my forehead in permanent marker so it makes me anxious to be around them. Is it still considered social anxiety if you have panic attacks when you're around close friends and family?
So I am sitting here waiting for a call from my boss. They are moving me to a different hospital to train. I applied for one position which is more hours than now but not full time, it's about 65% of full time, then I can work casual at the other hospitals too. I don't know why I applied for this job when I could have just been thrown around for training everywhere, which would be significantly less work. Aside from the fact that the job I applied for is a 40 minute commute, as opposed to a 5 minute or 15 minute drive at the other jobs. And to be quite honest I don't want to work more. I am struggling as it is to just get out of bed and get showered by noon most days, and leaving the house is a totally different situation that I need to prepare myself for. It's so depressing. A. is always telling me relax, don't do anything. However, two weeks ago we had almost $8,000.00 in the bank because he finally sold his craptastic truck and now it's mostly gone. We have less than $1,000.00. So that money plus the $4,000.00 he gets from student loans could have gotten us through the whole rest of his school term but now we need to scrimp and save and I have to work more. I'm not trying to sound selfish. It's just totally irresponsible that all that savings is gone. I know I'm bad with money, because of my impulse shopping sprees and whatnot but I was being really good this time and I had no idea because I have been locked out of online banking for awhile too. We shouldn't have done Christmas, that's all. So now I'm waiting for my boss to call me and tell me when and where I go to work next, which will kind of determine how long we stay in the city for, I might not even be able to make it to that appointment if she wants me to start right away.  I mostly only wanna go just to see my best friend and her kids, as well as A.'s family and his nephew. I don't even want to see other friends or even let them know I'm there. It's just too much. I feel like I am isolating myself alot lately but it's ok because I am geographically isolated from many of the people in my life anyways and I have no friends or anything where I am. I was even considering doing more work on the computer, in the digital world. Because then you aren't ever really responsible to anyone. In a way this blog is my best friend because I can say anything, it doesn't judge, it doesn't hurt. It's not going to call me names or make me feel bad about myself. (Although I try not to look at many of my past entries). So for the time being, if occupying one couch cushion and a computer chair make me feel a bit more relaxed and keep me from doing less constructive things then that's a bonus. Maybe once I get back to therapy I will have more ambition to be present in the real world. I feel like Borderline Personality Disorder has become me, I have become it. Everything I do is based on my BPD and I can see it clear as day. My cognitive behavioral therapy taught me to recognize my emotions and distortions, but I still don't have the skills to do anything about it. It's like my brain has been programmed to constantly remind me what a freak I am. Maybe I should have stayed in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy group, but one of the therapists I swear to god in heaven is an evil witch. She scared the muffins out of me. Oh yeah, and I let the anger get the best of me when I layed a verbal lashing this ignorant woman in group who was totally mean and offensive to everyone there and I felt like it wasn't a place that was going to be conducive to learning for me, or I would have gotten kicked out anyway so I quit. Now I wait.

Desperately Seeking Sedation

I'm so very confused. Everything has turned full circle. I forgave A. right before our roommate came home from Christmas holidays. I don't know if I really forgave him or I just don't want to be looked down on, or feel like a failure. I was laying in bed last night and all I could think about is that nothing has really changed. I feel different now. It's little things, like I don't tell him I love him all the time like I used too, and when he says it I sometimes feel uncomfortable about saying it. I still don't trust him at all, and it will be a long time until I can, if I ever can. I feel like I sold out. But like I told him, I'm just not good at being alone.
I have no friends here, not one. I have no one to talk to, not even a psychiatrist. I've been waiting so long. I've been through nothing but bouts of heavy drinking, drugs, intense arguments, self harm, suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety and nothing helps. It's been a long time since my medications were adjusted so maybe that's something that will help. But in the meantime I just have to wait it out? I have such extreme anxiety sometimes I get physically sick and vomit and feel like I'm having a heart attack and can't breathe. I have to take so much Seroquel to calm me down that it knocks me out. I asked my G.P., Dr. D, to prescribe me some Ativan or something just for those instances of stress but he said he doesn't think I should be taking anymore medication orally until I see my psychiatrist, which I explained to him is forever and a days wait- and he didn't even give me alternate advise for the time being. It's not like I have a sinus cold or something, this is a serious matter and nobody will help me. He could've called and tried to get me in sooner. I think because I work with him at the hospital and he sees me there he thinks I must be fine if I am functioning and keeping a job. But my job is only casual, I don't work all that many hours and when I do I just suck it up and wear long sleeves to cover injuries and smile my shift away. I think he is a non-believer of the BPD thing. He probably thinks I am faking. Not even knowing I will be able to see the psychiatrist in a little over a month makes me feel better. I know I need to go sooner. Today is the walk in clinic at the mental health clinic. Again. I've been debating going for over a month, it's only on Thursdays so there's a limited window of time to decide. I usually don't go because I make excuses not to. For example, if I go today it's only meant to be a one time service and what if I need it more the next time. Or, If I go in and tell them everything I've been doing they will lock me up as an inpatient and I will lose my job. Or, I don't deserve to be helped, I should just put myself out of my misery so nobody has to deal with me anymore. Or, why bother.... they have my file, they know what my situation is and they have let me go for seven months unattended, they don't really care about helping me. So as you can see these thoughts have become very consuming and I don't want to ruin things before I even start. Another part of me thinks if they meet me now they wont want to deal with me anyway.
In some ways my blog has been really good but in some ways it's been bad. I feel like airing my grievances sometimes clears them up or gives them less importance in my mind, which is good. But at other times I feel totally rejected and abandoned because everyone else gets comments and has followers and I feel like I'm just not good enough at this. It's not even like I did this for attention, I just was really looking for someone to agree with me, tell me I'm not so crazy and they feel the same. I need someone to confide in and be friends with. I know I'm just new and it didn't happen overnight for anyone else. I guess I am a sucker for immediate gratification. I was thinking of changing the name of my blog and starting over but I'm not going to. That would just be so typical of me to quit something before I even start.