Art Therapy Project

Hey guys, well I guess it's time for me to begin this project I have been contemplating for several months now. My research into art therapy began when I was looking for some artistic coping mechanisms, which I can relate to. I have found some more interesting than others but regardless it is difficult to actually be involved in any type of program as they are not easily accessible in most areas. I want to create a small art therapy program which will possibly be in the form of a zine/workbook because I feel like everyone should have the chance to try these methods. I am in no way a therapist, I want to create something that will be healing for people and not triggering at the same time. If any of you have any ideas of projects I could add into this, or just any knowledge or resource you know of that you think might be helpful in creating this I would love to hear them. You can either leave me a comment or send an email to me at kellokiki@hotmail.com. I already have a fair amount of information and resources but I want it to be something that everyone can use, however I am going to try and make the exercises relevant to people who suffer from mental illness as a way to cope. Everyone who submits an idea, whether I use it or not, will have their name put into a draw. I will be drawing 3 names upon completion of the zine who will receive a free copy. I anticipate it's going to take me a month or less to make and publish as I am quite busy at the moment. But please, I would love to hear your suggestions. I have very few followers so I am not sure how far this will reach, but if you know of anyone who might be interested in this please pass it along. Thanks guys, look forward to hearing your suggestions!

Obsessing and Depressing

I don't know if any of you deal with obsessions but lately I seem to be obsessing on a much larger scale than normal. I haven't posted in a few days, but I haven't been gone,as some of you know I have still been posting comments. I am here now trying to "break" my obsession before fiance and roommate get home. The last few days have been filled with it. I have been online all day and gotten sucked into the internet. I keep telling myself I am going to stop, do some art, take a nap, but as soon as I know it it's been 12 hours and I can't come back. I have been obsessed with a couple people who make vlogs, particularily one person, whom I don't even know, to the point where I sit and watch their video's, sometimes up to 100 in a row, sometimes the same ones over and over. They aren't even about anything relative to me, I gain nothing constructive from it, learn nothing from it. Today my obsession was with my mental illness, my borderline personality disorder, as it started. Which I think is ok to research. The best way to combat an mental illness is to first research and study yourself in it. But then I begin to see correlations with other things and it turns into a whole hypochondriac type thing. I was pretty sure at one point today that I am Schizophrenic. Some days its' art. I start to work on my art and physically cannot stop, even if I want to I can't get my mind off it and walk away. Some days I obsess about sitting on the couch, in my spot, to the point where I almost can't physically move if I tried, having to go to the bathroom so bad it hurt before I eventually removed myself. Yesterday a guy from the gas company showed up at the door, I saw him through the window while I was sitting at the computer desk and the dogs started barking. He stood there forever as I tried to hide in the corner and I was worried he was trying to get me or hurt me and I hid underneath the computer desk like a frightened child until he left, and even then for awhile after. I am so afraid of other people I am confined to my house but dying of being alone. I don't know what to do anymore. It's so hard living inside this head I can't even understand. The weirdest thing is if nobody had ever told me this behaviour was bad I may not even concentrate on it. I don't even know if I make sense anymore. All I know is this is the first time I have been able to "unlock" myself of my own free will, knowing that I need to stop and applying the measures to do so. I feel like I have symptoms that don't even exist to any disease and I talk about it and everyone says "oh that's normal" but to me those are the things that are "psycho". It just doesn't make sense. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I got the feeling that Dr. R. doesn't really want to help me, none of them do, thats why I wasn't on the waiting list for a therapist even though I went through everything proper and have been waiting 7 months. I was totally honest with my doctor and she totally brushed me off as a drunk/addict, which btw I have never been accused of before, even by my last psychiatrist who knew about my drinking and smoking weed but she felt it was under control and not an issue. The new doctor thinks I should go to AADAC. I admit my drinking has become more so, and not for the right reasons but fuck I am telling you my symptoms and whats happening and it's getting blamed on my actions? Believe me I have been sober MANY a day and still had to deal with my mind melt overload. Nobody wants to help me. I am going to die out here. 7 months with nobody to even talk to or review meds and I am waiting again, how long this time? I think they want me to give up so they can deal with other people who are easier. I told my doctor I am hearing voices, not really but kind of. It's like there is a radio in my head and it's on a boring talk radio station, but ti's muffled. I can hear that people are talking but not what they're saying. It mostly happens at night and sometimes it's so annoying I become distracted. First she blamed this on drug and alcohol use then she said it's because of my Seroquel, that I am overdosing on it, well wtf? What is it? How can someone help me if they don't even listen to me! And there is nowhere else to go, there is nobody else here to talk to. I'm so afraid that one day I will give up every last shred of hope I am clinging onto and realize I can't be cured and nobody can help me and have nothing left to live for. I hate myself so much sometimes I just want to kick my own ass and beat some sense into me. I no longer have any confidence or self esteem. I don't deserve treatment I guess.

Valentines Day, Psych Visit

Well I went to my first appointment with my psychiatrist Dr. R. yesterday, Happy V-DAY to me! Uck. My fiance took the day off school to take me in case I was really upset after. It went okay, she was really nice and had this adorable British accent and long blond hair and lots of her kids artwork all over the wall. She was really upfront with me telling me that because we are in a rural area and she is the only psychiatrist who can prescribe meds in the area that I will mostly be seeing her just for that, every 4-6 weeks. She said I should be on a waiting list for a therapist I can see 1-2 times a week and call if I am in crisis. But when she went to look, nobody had put me on the waiting list. 7 months I've been waiting but she put me on the list and said they should call in a few weeks. She also wants me to go to a program called PACE that runs here, which is for survivors of sexual and physical abuse. Also she wants me to go to ADAC, alcohol and drug addiction counselling. I pretty much told her I have been smoking marijuana for 15 years give or take and I'm most likely not going to quit, it has become a part of my lifestyle and I'm not ready to let it go. But she wants me to go mainly for my drinking. She said not that I have to quit and say I'm an alcoholic, which I don't believe I am. But i can admit that I use alcohol as a coping mechanism so I have to learn not to do that or I will be looking at my alcohol turning into a big problem. But they are just suggestions, I am not required to go to either of these but I think I will, if she suggested she must feel like it will be helpful. Also upon reviewing my meds and symptoms, she believes I am basically overdosing on Seroquel and wants to bring me down off it, which I am also happy about. I have been experiencing extreme symptoms of Akathisia, which is basically extreme restlessness. If I sit in the same position for too long ti actually physically hurts so I am never comfortable, among other symptoms I've been having. Dr. R. is worried because I have been experiencing extreme sugar cravings and Seroquel can actually cause you to become diabetic over time. She is requesting to check my cholesterol, blood glucose levels, my liver and kidneys, etc.  I have to go to the lab and get some tests done. But she won't prescribe me anything for panic attacks. I just wanted some Ativan or something for when they strike, but she said it's not safe for em to have that much medication on hand, she was surprised that I only refill my prescriptions once a month and thinks I should pick them up only every two weeks, she said if I feel unsafe I can turn my pills in to the pharmacy and they will hold onto them for me. But as I explained that has never been a problem for me, I did a few overdoses on pills before and it doesn't get you anywhere except really sick. Besides the fact that my fiance often dispenses my pills to me so he knows what the levels are like and would notice if I was abusing my medication. She also hooked me up with an outreach program in case I feel like I am in crisis. It's not quite that comfortable for em to admit myself to the hospital because I work at the hospital and everyone knows me. SO while I was kind of upset that after all this time I am not even on the waiting list for a therapist and wont be seeing Dr. R very often but overall I guess it went ok.

After the appointment me and A. went out for breakfast to celebrate valentines day but that's about all we did. When I got home I finally called my boss, which I have been very nervous about. I can't go back to the other location. It's too long a drive, I don't like being that far away from home and I'm just not happy there. Instead of continuing to miss shifts and kill myself with worry I thought I had better just be honest. It was so hard for me to confront her. But I called and told her the truth and said I would rather stop now than them paying me to train me there if I have no intention of wanting to work there. So she was cool about it, she was glad I was honest. I am going to continue to work at the hospital in my home town then she is starting em training at the hospital in the next city over. But that's only a 15 minute drive as opposed to 45 minute commute to the other place. Overall I was quite happy with how the day went. Me and my fiance made love last night for the first time in a long time, I have been feeling very insecure lately. But it was amazing and I am so happy he hasn't given up on me. I thought I would never meet anyone who would be able to put up with my BS and still love me. Don't get me wrong, we have problems, both of us individually and together, but we are both seeking help and supporting each other. He's the first person in my life I ever felt like REALLY loved me unconditionally. Not many people know how to deal with a 31 year old with the emotional maturity of a child.

As it seems I am very pleased with things I am still very depressed. I was looking forward to laying on the couch and snuggling with my pets and surfing the net, blogging, doing some art- my usual routine. But there was 20cm of snow last night and my fiance and roommate weren't able to get there today. They are sitting here intruding on my day. So I actually have to so stuff and pretend like I'm not totally useless. Pretend

Overwhelmed

Well I have a few things that have really been bothering me lately. I have had quite a bit of time off work (from being sick with tonsillitis, and sick of life and not wanting to go). But now I have to go back tomorrow, all day. And work with someone I don't even know, and I'm freaking out! Whenever I meet someone new I feel completely overwhelmed and certain that I have "crazy" stamped on my forehead. Aside from the fact that it is hard to manage in the real world after 4-5 day isolation periods of not leaving the house and living in pajamas. Just the fact that I am working with the public all day throws me over the edge sometimes. I am really nervous and half worried that I will make some excuse not to go again, but I can't keep doing that. It's getting ridiculous. My fiance is in school so I can't just be throwing away money like this.
The other thing is that I have my first appointment with my new psychiatrist on Monday. I have been waiting 7 months to see her and now I am terrified. I don't even know what I want to say. I'm worried I won't like her or she won't like me, then I'm screwed because I think she is the only psychiatrist for 50 miles. I'm worried I am going to spend too much time in session focusing on some small thing and not getting to the point of what is really going on. I have been trying to make a list of things I want to talk about so I don't forget everything I wanted to say. But with my scatterbrain it just turned into a whole bunch of little lists scattered about and lists being re-written and revised over and over again to the point in which it just seems like my brain, thoughts splattered all over the place with no real meaning.

Isolation Addict

I'm sitting here thinking that I secretly manipulated my way into getting what I want and I am still not happy. All weekend I have been dreading work on Monday. I have been sick with tonsillitis and ear infections and missed two evening shifts last week. I have been convincing myself that I don't like my job at this new location, I work a casual position that allows me to work between different locations. This new one is a 40 minute commute which can be scary for me to be that far away from home and I get scared that I will have an anxiety attack and have to drive all the way home. Well I didn't go again today, I have told myself I am still sick, I kind of am. But even not wanting to go back makes no sense, I only actually worked at this location for one day and I had felt like it was a good day at the time. So now I am sitting at home, just what I wanted, but I feel guilty.
So I called my work and called my big boss and they had no concern. I work as a casual so they didn't actually have to replace me, it was just training shifts for the new location. And they told me just to get better and we will reschedule those shifts, so I'm not really out any money. I just need to get the courage to actually go to work. I feel like such a screw up.
I've been feeling really depressed lately. I've consumed alcohol in excess almost every day for the last week. In fact I am already drinking and it's not even 10 am. My fiance keeps buying me booze to keep me happy. Oddly it does quite calm me. I normally do not drink to this extreme. I drink a fair amount, socially. But it's not been a habit of mine to drink during the day or by myself as it has been of late. I don't think I have a problem but I think if it continues I am in danger of it becoming a problem. It's all I can do to make my pain go away though. I have been tranquilizing myself with Seroquel and other medications and it's become that that's not enough to get me through the day.
I have been isolating myself at home for quite awhile now. It's to the point that I think it is hindering me in my daily life. Usually I go 2-3 days at a time f no contact with the outside world then I have to go get stuff done. But lately my isolation's have been climbing up to 4-5 days at a time. And it extends even further to avoiding my family and friends. It really hit me the other day when my best friend text me and said she feels like I am mad at her or don't want to talk to her anymore because every time she calls or texts I never respond. She is totally right. I told her I'm sorry, she's the only girlfriend I do have still. I apologized and explained what's been going on. I made time for a long chat with her that night and it made me feel better and her too. I didn't even have an excuse, I told her I've been terrible and she doesn't deserve that, she is such a good friend to me. I guess that's why she understands and can accept my idiosyncrasies.

Up/Down

I haven't written a post in awhile. I've really been all over the place the last week or so. I went from excited about my new job to not wanting to go back. From feeling confident and upbeat to miserable. I got very close to having myself admitted twice in the last week. Other times I am euphoric and excitable. It's so confusing.
I started the week by working at my new job then didn't go the second day due to bad weather and the highway being closed. I started setting up my art studio which I haven't done since we moved her in December so my stuff was everywhere. That felt good. It was alot of work and it felt like an accomplishment. I started a few new art projects that I was really excited about and happy with. But I had to quit. In all the fun and excitement I hadn't realized I was out of some major supplies I needed. But when it came down to it I had been tucked away inside for a few days and not realized how comfortable I was with burrowing. Until I realized that I didn't have the courage to go outside and deal with people. I couldn't even make myself go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions because I was too afraid. This has become a pattern lately, so much so that my avoidance even stretched out to my blog.
My fiance ended up picking my Rx up for me. I still got plunged out into the world however when I got a really bad sore throat and had to go to Emergency. It ended up being tonsillitis and I feel like my head is going to fall off.
11 more days until my first visit with my new psychiatrist. This last seven months being unattended has been excruciating. The panic attacks have increased dramatically and my depression seems harder and harder to fight off each time I get sucked into it.